Back on Track

I’ve had so much going through my mind for the last few months, so much I wanted to write about and reflect on. But I just couldn’t get it to flow. I’d start to write and something would hold me back. My ideas seemed stupid, or broken so I stopped trying. It’s been 6 months since the second loss. I should be close to the end of my pregnancy now, but I am not. And quite frankly, it sucks. I’m in limbo. Do we ever try again? Can I be content with my two living children?

One aspect of this whole situation that really bothers, pisses me off actually, is that 50% of my pregnancies have ended in loss. For some reason, this makes me ridiculously angry. It seems unfair. I love my children, and I would love any additional children I am bleseed with. But I honestly don’t know if I can handle being pregnant again, or experiencing another loss. 

But, here’s the thing. This loss has sparked something else in me. My first loss drove me into fear and depression. I ached for a baby to hold in my arms. But this recent loss, although devastating in its own way, didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. It made me want to use my grief and my experiences to help other people. Specifically, I want to support women who are my sisters in loss. 

I feel driven to help, to listen, to hold their hands as they walk down a path that is horribly unkind. I have a passion for helping these families who will forever be changed. So I’m going to take the steps to make this a reality. I’m going to work harder to promote and make the support group I work with even more impactfully on our community. I’m going to work with providers in the area to teach them the compassion needed for loss moms. And I’m going to help fund raise for causes that are near and dear to the loss community. And I am going to remember the little lives that have been lost. Remember their names, say them often, and encourage others to come forward to tell their stories.
 

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Sad Update

Unfortunately, I had another miscarriage over the weekend. I am still processing it and I feel awful. This felt like my only chance at a third child, and now that is gone too. I don’t know how to wrap my head around all of it and I am exhausted from all the worrying and the emotional turmoil. I have no idea what to do next. M and I need to have a serious conversation, but we are not on the same page at all, and this is doubly hurtful to me right now.

I really truly thought I would be fine this time. That I had paid my loss dues, so to speak. And now I feel like my body failed and I am angry and sad. I want to fast forward again and know what the future will bring.

If I am very honest, and I usually am, this is too much for me right now. M does not want a third, or is very hesitant to having a third. I felt like because this just happened, that it was out of my hands, like the universe was making the decision for me. And now, that decision is going to have to be made by us, and I don’t want to have this conversation with M. I am not prepared for the disappointment of him saying that he does not want to try again. And honestly, I don’t really want to “try” again. I just want to see what happens if we don’t use any protection.

I know I want a third. I know it in my soul. I want to experience pregnancy one more time, knowing this will be the last time. I want to go through labor and birth again. I want to have a newborn and experience all the firsts again, and to have a squishy little person to cuddle and watch grow. I want this all one more time. I want to have three kids close in age who all love each other and are like a little pack. I want to have my mommy years stretched out a little more.

M asked me why I want another one so badly, and I am having a really hard time coming up with a reason that makes sense to him. In his mind, two is a lot and financially we are strapped and that scares him. But the reality is that our financial situation will not change very much by adding another person to the mix. We have all the things we need for a baby, and we are doing just fine each month. We do not have money for luxuries, and this does not bother me at all. I feel like my kids provide me with so much joy and happiness that I don’t need or want luxuries.

The worst part right now is the uncertainty. The not knowing what comes next. Not knowing how to approach the situation with M, especially since I want to protect myself emotionally. I hate this right now and I want to escape mentally but I can’t. In most ways, this loss is way easier than the first one, but in other ways its harder. I can’t stop being a mom right now to grieve, and I wouldn’t want to stop being a mom. But it would be nice to have a break for a minute to cry and feel shitty and try to get some of the emotion out.

 

It’s Been Forever

Oh my goodness, it had been forever since I’ve posted here. I have excuses, I swear. Lots of them. I am busy all the time with work, school, and the kids. Annnnddddd…. I am pregnant again. Still VERY early, but I wanted to get it out and have someone around me know, even if it is internet strangers…

We were not trying, but being pretty lazy about preventing, and I am actually really excited. And so incredibly nervous. I knew in my heart that I wanted a third child, and I can’t help but be excited. I am trying to keep the excitement in check because of the threat of miscarriage, but I also want to enjoy this a little, because I seriously doubt that I will have this experience again.

There’s so much to think about. Mainly, I am worried about finances, and logistics. We are not poor, but we are just making it, and this had me pretty freaked out. M is terrified, and probably not that excited. We will have to figure out childcare, and probably get a new car because I can’t fit three car seats in my car. ūüė¶

IDK how to feel other than excited and nervous. I really hope this one sticks and we will have our third living child in October. Cross all your fingers and toes for me!

Today

Today is one of those days where I am so tired of feeling sick. I am exhausted from trying to keep my stomach under control and I just want to lay in my bed curled up in a ball until it goes away. I have these days and they depress me, they make me feel like I don’t want to try anymore. And they make me feel sorry for myself. Most of the time, I can deal with it and try to remain positive, but there are these days, when I have been sick for months on end, where I just want to give up. My body is tired, I am tired. I want a break from the constant pain and discomfort. The diet helps, the exercise helps, the trying new meds helps, but nothing really takes it away completely.

Living daily with pain is so incredibly draining. I understand how people decide that they don’t want to do it anymore and while I am not to that point, I do worry that as I get older, my symptoms will get worse. I will have more days of pain and I honestly have no idea what this is doing to my body overall. I know that I lack nutrients because so much of what I eat goes straight through me. I also know that my joints hurt, my skin is getting worse and worse, and my level of exhaustion is increasing.

So what do I do? I live with it, I complain here. ūüôā I try to figure out ways to combat it. And I have days like these where I just want to disappear…

The Blog Fail

I know it’s been awhile… I don’t really have an excuse, other than I seriously do have a million excuses.

We bought a house and moved. The old house was so great, and we loved it, but the lease to own agreement was changed in April and the new amount the owner wanted was significantly more than what we could afford, so we had no choice but to find someplace else. The good news is that the new house is pretty great. Its a bit smaller, and we are having a little trouble adjusting to that, but the kitchen is HUGE and amazing, the living room/dining room is great too. It really fits our needs and it’s in a good location. Overall, we made a really good financial decision, so that’s a plus. We’ve been in the new house almost two weeks and yesterday I went to the old house for the last time. I cried a lot driving away because we have had so many memories there. I mean, it really is where M and my life really started together, and that is pretty sad.

I am also now in my third term of my masters degree. I am taking three classes this term, which is considered full time, and I am still working full time too. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I am motivated and this will be the only term that is this packed, so if I can make it through, it will be smooth sailing after that. I have two more terms after this and then I will be done, which times pretty well for my current position being terminated.

Arlie and Tate are doing so great. They are just such interesting little people. Tater is trying to start talking, mostly with grunts and yelling and other weird noises. I’m anticipating that one day soon he will just explode with words and I won’t be able to get him to shut up. Arlie is talking sooo much. She will start preschool in two weeks and I am a mixture of terrified and excited for her. I know she is going to do great, but I am a huge worrier, so who knows how this will go.

I’m going to try to do more updates, when I find time. I hate promising this because it is likely that with everything else going on, I might not be able to do much here. Maybe once this term is over…

Tate is 1 Year Old!

I can’t believe it, my little nugget baby is 1. His birthday was yesterday and we had a great day of celebrating him.

I was a little sad yesterday and on Saturday night because I am still sad about him growing up so quickly. He is such a cuddly, giggly little person and I worry that as he gets older, he will lose that and be cranky more. I know I am worrying about nothing, but I can’t help it. I love this time right now, with him still loving me so much and being so happy with me. Ah, babies….

He has now been walking for a little over a month and he’s getting pretty good. It’s super fun to see him speed up to try to get to me or M when we come home. His little grin and giggles are so stinking cute! He still crawls occasionally but it is usually because he’s trying to get to somewhere he isn’t supposed to be as quickly as possible. He is also ridiculously strong. Seriously, I am slightly amazed at his strength. He is constantly lifting things, pushing things, etc. In swim class, there is a part where he is supposed to put his hands above his head to “dive” into the pool and he pulls his arms down as hard as possible so I can’t hold them up. He is a stubborn little bug.

He eats EVERYTHING. Seriously though, the kid is a bottomless pit. I am terrified for how this will increase as he gets bigger. He eats about 7 or 8 times a day, so three solid meals plus 4 or 5 snack times. And he lets me know loudly when he is hungry. The best part is that he seems to have a real preference for sharp cheeses and weird meat delicacies. Just like his mom. ūüôā

He is still nursing and that makes me really happy. We struggled so much in the beginning and I am just so please that we’ve made it this far. We are going to keep going for as long as it is still working for both of us.

No real words yet, but a lot of jabbering and yelling. He does love the sound of his own voice. He seems to try to communicate with Arlie as much as possible and they have some sort of strange understanding of each other so that is interesting. I think that hes pretty close to actually saying a few words but he does everything in his own time.

I can’t believe that last year at this time, I was still in the hospital with a newborn. It just doesn’t seem like that long ago. He is my little bug and I love him so much. He brings so much joy into our household and I love almost every second I have with him. I hope that we can add to our family, but if we don’t I am happy keeping this little nugget as my baby.

Tater is 11 Months

This is all going too fast. ¬†Tate is 11 months. ¬†That’s almost a year! ¬†He still seems like such a baby to me, but then I pick him up and he weighs a million pounds and is giant and I have to remind myself that he is this.close from not being a baby anymore. ¬†Tear…

So, lets start off with the best thing ever…. ¬†He is officially walking! ¬†He’s been crouching and then powering up into standing for a couple of weeks now. ¬†Last week, he tried for about an hour to get that first little foot moving forward, then got some courage and took about 5 steps in a row. ¬†Since then it has been a few little steps here and there. ¬†I can see his confidence growing with each step. ¬†He is so proud of himself and his little face is showing it constantly.

He still sleeps like crap. ¬†I sometimes feel like I am dying from lack of sleep and sometimes I really lose it and I get pretty angry about it. ¬†These are usually the nights when he has kept me up two or more nights in a row and just won’t settle down. ¬†Last week was definitely like this. ¬†He had four nights in a row of constant squirming and crying and just would not sleep. ¬†By the fourth night I was beside myself and made M take him away for a while so I could just gather my patience and try to relax. ¬†The next day, he walked for the first time, so I am thinking that his little brain and body were trying to get that all figured out. ¬†I am really hoping that he figures out sleeping soon because this mama needs some sleep.

This little bug eats like a champ.  He loves food and will eat almost anything.  He especially loves whatever I am eating.  He is getting really good with shoveling food into his mouth and we have been experimenting with a spoon to see how it goes.  I am slowly introducing whole milk a little here and there.  He seem to really like it, so that is good for the eventual transition.  I plan on breastfeeding for as long as possible (or as long as he wants to) so the whole milk will be in addition to whatever breast milk he is getting.

He is still my little snuggle bug and I love him so so much. ¬†I seriously can’t believe that the next post on him will be about him turning one. ¬†That is insane and sooo sad too. ¬†My little guy is growing up so fast!

When Your Struggling

I’ve been struggling big time lately. ¬†I’m an anxious person, I always have been. ¬†But lately it has really gotten a hold of me and I can’t shake it. ¬†It’s been about 6 months of this. ¬†I feel overwhelmed, tired, cranky, and constantly worried. ¬†About everything under the sun. ¬†I am especially worried about the kids. ¬†And driving. ¬†Basically I feel crazy and I am constantly trying to overcome the fear to be able to leave my house and just function in general. ¬†Its scary to feel like this, to not feel like I have control over my own life and I worry that I am affecting my kids lives with this constant worrying. ¬†Ha, worry that leads to worry. ¬†Its a shitty cycle.

I took some steps this week to try to right this ship. ¬†I saw a doctor about medication as a “sometime in the future” option. ¬†I called and booked an appointment with a therapist, someone who was actually recommended to me. ¬†I am scheduled to see a group therapy thing (not sure what to call this) and that is supposed to help me find ways to talk to my brain about not freaking out when I am getting particularly worried about something.

It’s weird to finally come to this point because in the past I would have about a week or two of epic worrying and then it would go away, but not this time. ¬†I think adding in the kids to the mix has really changed the way my mind if reacting to things. ¬†They are so innocent and I feel the overwhelming need to protect them all the time. ¬†It is exhausting, having something in your life that you love so much it actually hurts. ¬†They need me so much and that is pretty terrifying.

I’m feeling pretty good about figuring this out and trying to find ways to battle it. ¬†Because I can’t live this way anymore. ¬†And I can’t expect my kids to live like this either. ¬†I want to make their lives magical and memorable in positive ways. ¬†I didn’t expect this to happen when I had kids. ¬†I just kind of assumed that I would be so happy that everything would be fine, but that is definitely not the case. ¬†And at times, this adds to the anxiety because I feel like I should just be happy and not worry, but it just isn’t possible or realistic.

This being a parent thing is hard, you know? ¬†It’s awesome, but it’s hard, and scary, and sad at times.

This is The Real Mom Life

This morning I got Tater a bowl of Cheerios. ¬†It made me smile, made me think to myself… ¬†This is the mom life. ¬†I mean, this is what I pictured when I thought about being a mom. ¬†Getting my kids breakfast and helping them get dressed for the day. ¬†Or¬†watching The Little Mermaid fifty times in a row. ¬†Or singing Frozen songs in the shower with Arlie because she asks me to. ¬†I love all of it.

I always pictured things being calm and kind of fuzzy around the edges with serenity. ¬†The reality is a lot more like a truck¬†covered in mud, but I love it. ¬†I really like being a parent. ¬†I like the tasks, and I especially like it when these moments happen that I see as perfect. ¬†Like walking to the mailbox together and it starting to rain. ¬†And getting to watch Arlie run through the rain with her face towards the sky so she can feel it on her face. ¬†My heart just about bursts in these moments and I can’t believe that it is my life.

The struggle to become parents was short for us. ¬†We were lucky to get where we are, even with the loss. ¬†And we’re happy. ¬†Stressed beyond belief, but happy. ¬†Kids do something to you, beyond changing your physical life. ¬†Its amazing how full my heart can feel at times. ¬†How I can physically feel the fullness at times. ¬†It really blows my mind. ¬†These little people are really and truly the best things that have ever happened to me.

This Kid LOVES Me/ Tate is 10 Months Old

So Tate is 10 Months old today. ¬†I am continuously amazed at how fast this is all going. ¬†He is still so little, but he is getting bigger by the minute. ¬†And man, he LOVES me. ¬†Like obsessive loves me. ¬†I am not going to lie, I love it that he loves me this much. ¬†He only wants me, he cries when other people try to hold him if I am within eyesight. ¬†Arlie was never really like this, so I don’t really know what, if anything, to do about it. ¬†I mean, I actually really love having a person love me more than any other being on earth. ¬†The downside is that if I genuinely need a break, the only option is to physically leave the room or even the house. ¬†I never really got the whole mess about mama’s boys, but I certainly do now. ¬†This kid is amazing.

So he’s standing on his own now. ¬†He loves that he can do it and spends a lot of time standing and balancing and lowering himself back down, then up again. ¬†He’s been standing while holding onto things for months now and I was convinced he would walk this last month, but it looks like he is really focused on mastering each step before moving on. ¬†M keeps warning Arlie that when Tate can walk, she is going to be in for it.

He eats like no other. ¬†He will try just about anything and he seems to like almost everything. ¬†Last week we tried Salmon and brie cheese and he loved both. ¬†He will power crawl to me if he sees me eating and he wants a bite. ¬†I am legitimately concerned about how much this kid is going to eat as he grows. ¬†I may need to invest in a half of beef and a vegetable garden. ¬†He has five teeth with another one working its way in now. ¬†He loves biting things, but he stops if you say ow, so that’s promising.

He talks a bit, mostly only saying mama and meaning it.  He giggles whenever Arlie is around and is so enamored by her.  She is his second favorite person and they love to hang out and wrestle and goof around.  I am now really glad that they are so close in age because I can see how good of friends they are going to be.

My little Tater, such a good little nugget. ¬†Fussy a lot, happy in between. ¬†He’s my little sidekick. ¬†ūüôā