Is Balance Possible?

Something that I have been struggling with lately is that I don’t feel like I can find balance in my life. I’m not sure exactly why this is happening. I’m trying, I really am, but it feels impossible. I keep saying to myself, next week everything will settle down and we can get into a regular schedule again, but it just doesn’t happen. We are busy all the time. We are constantly changing our schedule to accommodate some weird change in our normal plans. So maybe I need to start planning for the changes in plans. Maybe that will help me feel balance.

But it’s not just the schedule. It is my work, my job, my situation here. I am becoming more and more disillusioned with the environment here. The culture is not positive. It is negative and uncomfortable. I’ve done everything I can to make it better here, but I am convinced that it may just be this place. I might not be able to get everything done that I want to here, and I feel very moved to make a difference lately, so staying in a position where I feel stagnant is going against all that I feel right now.

I hate being at this kind of a point in my life. I sort of thought when I was done with school, I would know where I was going but part of the problem right now is that I literally have too many options. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that this would be a problem. I always assumed that many options was better than just a few, but the reality is that I can’t decide what to do because there are so many paths open and any of my choices means a huge upheaval in my “normal” right now. It is partly me being afraid of change, and partly me being paralyzed by the multitude of options.

I wish I could fast forward and just see what has happened instead of living it right now. It’s a lot to take in and because of the unbalanced feeling, I am having trouble sleeping, I am worried a lot more, and I can feel the anxiety that I have had under control for the most part for the last year start to creep in again. I see October approaching and it makes me want to panic and run away. I hate having to face a month where it seems like everything goes wrong. I should be bringing home our third baby on October, but instead I will probably be the only person who knows or remembers that it is the month that should be filled with happiness, but instead will be sad. This is adding to my feelings of my balance being off, because I really don’t know how to feel. Ugh, if only someone could just give you a step by step plan for getting through the weird and confusing stages of grief.

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Back on Track

I’ve had so much going through my mind for the last few months, so much I wanted to write about and reflect on. But I just couldn’t get it to flow. I’d start to write and something would hold me back. My ideas seemed stupid, or broken so I stopped trying. It’s been 6 months since the second loss. I should be close to the end of my pregnancy now, but I am not. And quite frankly, it sucks. I’m in limbo. Do we ever try again? Can I be content with my two living children?

One aspect of this whole situation that really bothers, pisses me off actually, is that 50% of my pregnancies have ended in loss. For some reason, this makes me ridiculously angry. It seems unfair. I love my children, and I would love any additional children I am bleseed with. But I honestly don’t know if I can handle being pregnant again, or experiencing another loss. 

But, here’s the thing. This loss has sparked something else in me. My first loss drove me into fear and depression. I ached for a baby to hold in my arms. But this recent loss, although devastating in its own way, didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. It made me want to use my grief and my experiences to help other people. Specifically, I want to support women who are my sisters in loss. 

I feel driven to help, to listen, to hold their hands as they walk down a path that is horribly unkind. I have a passion for helping these families who will forever be changed. So I’m going to take the steps to make this a reality. I’m going to work harder to promote and make the support group I work with even more impactfully on our community. I’m going to work with providers in the area to teach them the compassion needed for loss moms. And I’m going to help fund raise for causes that are near and dear to the loss community. And I am going to remember the little lives that have been lost. Remember their names, say them often, and encourage others to come forward to tell their stories.