Unfortunately, I had another miscarriage over the weekend. I am still processing it and I feel awful. This felt like my only chance at a third child, and now that is gone too. I don’t know how to wrap my head around all of it and I am exhausted from all the worrying and the emotional turmoil. I have no idea what to do next. M and I need to have a serious conversation, but we are not on the same page at all, and this is doubly hurtful to me right now.
I really truly thought I would be fine this time. That I had paid my loss dues, so to speak. And now I feel like my body failed and I am angry and sad. I want to fast forward again and know what the future will bring.
If I am very honest, and I usually am, this is too much for me right now. M does not want a third, or is very hesitant to having a third. I felt like because this just happened, that it was out of my hands, like the universe was making the decision for me. And now, that decision is going to have to be made by us, and I don’t want to have this conversation with M. I am not prepared for the disappointment of him saying that he does not want to try again. And honestly, I don’t really want to “try” again. I just want to see what happens if we don’t use any protection.
I know I want a third. I know it in my soul. I want to experience pregnancy one more time, knowing this will be the last time. I want to go through labor and birth again. I want to have a newborn and experience all the firsts again, and to have a squishy little person to cuddle and watch grow. I want this all one more time. I want to have three kids close in age who all love each other and are like a little pack. I want to have my mommy years stretched out a little more.
M asked me why I want another one so badly, and I am having a really hard time coming up with a reason that makes sense to him. In his mind, two is a lot and financially we are strapped and that scares him. But the reality is that our financial situation will not change very much by adding another person to the mix. We have all the things we need for a baby, and we are doing just fine each month. We do not have money for luxuries, and this does not bother me at all. I feel like my kids provide me with so much joy and happiness that I don’t need or want luxuries.
The worst part right now is the uncertainty. The not knowing what comes next. Not knowing how to approach the situation with M, especially since I want to protect myself emotionally. I hate this right now and I want to escape mentally but I can’t. In most ways, this loss is way easier than the first one, but in other ways its harder. I can’t stop being a mom right now to grieve, and I wouldn’t want to stop being a mom. But it would be nice to have a break for a minute to cry and feel shitty and try to get some of the emotion out.