When Your Struggling

I’ve been struggling big time lately.  I’m an anxious person, I always have been.  But lately it has really gotten a hold of me and I can’t shake it.  It’s been about 6 months of this.  I feel overwhelmed, tired, cranky, and constantly worried.  About everything under the sun.  I am especially worried about the kids.  And driving.  Basically I feel crazy and I am constantly trying to overcome the fear to be able to leave my house and just function in general.  Its scary to feel like this, to not feel like I have control over my own life and I worry that I am affecting my kids lives with this constant worrying.  Ha, worry that leads to worry.  Its a shitty cycle.

I took some steps this week to try to right this ship.  I saw a doctor about medication as a “sometime in the future” option.  I called and booked an appointment with a therapist, someone who was actually recommended to me.  I am scheduled to see a group therapy thing (not sure what to call this) and that is supposed to help me find ways to talk to my brain about not freaking out when I am getting particularly worried about something.

It’s weird to finally come to this point because in the past I would have about a week or two of epic worrying and then it would go away, but not this time.  I think adding in the kids to the mix has really changed the way my mind if reacting to things.  They are so innocent and I feel the overwhelming need to protect them all the time.  It is exhausting, having something in your life that you love so much it actually hurts.  They need me so much and that is pretty terrifying.

I’m feeling pretty good about figuring this out and trying to find ways to battle it.  Because I can’t live this way anymore.  And I can’t expect my kids to live like this either.  I want to make their lives magical and memorable in positive ways.  I didn’t expect this to happen when I had kids.  I just kind of assumed that I would be so happy that everything would be fine, but that is definitely not the case.  And at times, this adds to the anxiety because I feel like I should just be happy and not worry, but it just isn’t possible or realistic.

This being a parent thing is hard, you know?  It’s awesome, but it’s hard, and scary, and sad at times.

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