Tater is 11 Months

This is all going too fast.  Tate is 11 months.  That’s almost a year!  He still seems like such a baby to me, but then I pick him up and he weighs a million pounds and is giant and I have to remind myself that he is this.close from not being a baby anymore.  Tear…

So, lets start off with the best thing ever….  He is officially walking!  He’s been crouching and then powering up into standing for a couple of weeks now.  Last week, he tried for about an hour to get that first little foot moving forward, then got some courage and took about 5 steps in a row.  Since then it has been a few little steps here and there.  I can see his confidence growing with each step.  He is so proud of himself and his little face is showing it constantly.

He still sleeps like crap.  I sometimes feel like I am dying from lack of sleep and sometimes I really lose it and I get pretty angry about it.  These are usually the nights when he has kept me up two or more nights in a row and just won’t settle down.  Last week was definitely like this.  He had four nights in a row of constant squirming and crying and just would not sleep.  By the fourth night I was beside myself and made M take him away for a while so I could just gather my patience and try to relax.  The next day, he walked for the first time, so I am thinking that his little brain and body were trying to get that all figured out.  I am really hoping that he figures out sleeping soon because this mama needs some sleep.

This little bug eats like a champ.  He loves food and will eat almost anything.  He especially loves whatever I am eating.  He is getting really good with shoveling food into his mouth and we have been experimenting with a spoon to see how it goes.  I am slowly introducing whole milk a little here and there.  He seem to really like it, so that is good for the eventual transition.  I plan on breastfeeding for as long as possible (or as long as he wants to) so the whole milk will be in addition to whatever breast milk he is getting.

He is still my little snuggle bug and I love him so so much.  I seriously can’t believe that the next post on him will be about him turning one.  That is insane and sooo sad too.  My little guy is growing up so fast!

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When Your Struggling

I’ve been struggling big time lately.  I’m an anxious person, I always have been.  But lately it has really gotten a hold of me and I can’t shake it.  It’s been about 6 months of this.  I feel overwhelmed, tired, cranky, and constantly worried.  About everything under the sun.  I am especially worried about the kids.  And driving.  Basically I feel crazy and I am constantly trying to overcome the fear to be able to leave my house and just function in general.  Its scary to feel like this, to not feel like I have control over my own life and I worry that I am affecting my kids lives with this constant worrying.  Ha, worry that leads to worry.  Its a shitty cycle.

I took some steps this week to try to right this ship.  I saw a doctor about medication as a “sometime in the future” option.  I called and booked an appointment with a therapist, someone who was actually recommended to me.  I am scheduled to see a group therapy thing (not sure what to call this) and that is supposed to help me find ways to talk to my brain about not freaking out when I am getting particularly worried about something.

It’s weird to finally come to this point because in the past I would have about a week or two of epic worrying and then it would go away, but not this time.  I think adding in the kids to the mix has really changed the way my mind if reacting to things.  They are so innocent and I feel the overwhelming need to protect them all the time.  It is exhausting, having something in your life that you love so much it actually hurts.  They need me so much and that is pretty terrifying.

I’m feeling pretty good about figuring this out and trying to find ways to battle it.  Because I can’t live this way anymore.  And I can’t expect my kids to live like this either.  I want to make their lives magical and memorable in positive ways.  I didn’t expect this to happen when I had kids.  I just kind of assumed that I would be so happy that everything would be fine, but that is definitely not the case.  And at times, this adds to the anxiety because I feel like I should just be happy and not worry, but it just isn’t possible or realistic.

This being a parent thing is hard, you know?  It’s awesome, but it’s hard, and scary, and sad at times.