This is The Real Mom Life

This morning I got Tater a bowl of Cheerios.  It made me smile, made me think to myself…  This is the mom life.  I mean, this is what I pictured when I thought about being a mom.  Getting my kids breakfast and helping them get dressed for the day.  Or watching The Little Mermaid fifty times in a row.  Or singing Frozen songs in the shower with Arlie because she asks me to.  I love all of it.

I always pictured things being calm and kind of fuzzy around the edges with serenity.  The reality is a lot more like a truck covered in mud, but I love it.  I really like being a parent.  I like the tasks, and I especially like it when these moments happen that I see as perfect.  Like walking to the mailbox together and it starting to rain.  And getting to watch Arlie run through the rain with her face towards the sky so she can feel it on her face.  My heart just about bursts in these moments and I can’t believe that it is my life.

The struggle to become parents was short for us.  We were lucky to get where we are, even with the loss.  And we’re happy.  Stressed beyond belief, but happy.  Kids do something to you, beyond changing your physical life.  Its amazing how full my heart can feel at times.  How I can physically feel the fullness at times.  It really blows my mind.  These little people are really and truly the best things that have ever happened to me.

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This Kid LOVES Me/ Tate is 10 Months Old

So Tate is 10 Months old today.  I am continuously amazed at how fast this is all going.  He is still so little, but he is getting bigger by the minute.  And man, he LOVES me.  Like obsessive loves me.  I am not going to lie, I love it that he loves me this much.  He only wants me, he cries when other people try to hold him if I am within eyesight.  Arlie was never really like this, so I don’t really know what, if anything, to do about it.  I mean, I actually really love having a person love me more than any other being on earth.  The downside is that if I genuinely need a break, the only option is to physically leave the room or even the house.  I never really got the whole mess about mama’s boys, but I certainly do now.  This kid is amazing.

So he’s standing on his own now.  He loves that he can do it and spends a lot of time standing and balancing and lowering himself back down, then up again.  He’s been standing while holding onto things for months now and I was convinced he would walk this last month, but it looks like he is really focused on mastering each step before moving on.  M keeps warning Arlie that when Tate can walk, she is going to be in for it.

He eats like no other.  He will try just about anything and he seems to like almost everything.  Last week we tried Salmon and brie cheese and he loved both.  He will power crawl to me if he sees me eating and he wants a bite.  I am legitimately concerned about how much this kid is going to eat as he grows.  I may need to invest in a half of beef and a vegetable garden.  He has five teeth with another one working its way in now.  He loves biting things, but he stops if you say ow, so that’s promising.

He talks a bit, mostly only saying mama and meaning it.  He giggles whenever Arlie is around and is so enamored by her.  She is his second favorite person and they love to hang out and wrestle and goof around.  I am now really glad that they are so close in age because I can see how good of friends they are going to be.

My little Tater, such a good little nugget.  Fussy a lot, happy in between.  He’s my little sidekick.  🙂

Crohns/UC/IBD

I’ve had “IBS” since I was 16.  I’ve been to a number of different doctors, I’ve seen specialists, nutritionists, etc, to try to figure out what the hell is going on.  About a month ago, I had a horrific episode where I nearly passed out, and ended up partially paralyzed for 10-15 minutes.  It was terrifying and it prompted me to find a new doctor and insist that something be done about this.

I saw the new doctor about a week after the episode and he was concerned enough that they immediately changed my diet and I now have to do a bunch of testing.  I have already done a majority of this testing before, but he is thinking that the issue has progressed enough that it is now considered IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) and it is either Crohns or Ulcerative Colitis.

Two of my tests have come back confirming inflammation and a resulting infection that indicate that it is indeed Crohns or UC.  This has been both a relief and a super scary thing for me.  Both of these things can cause pretty serious damage in my body and both require me to be on medications for who knows how long.  I get to have a few more tests, including a super awesome one where I get to swallow a camera pill.  I’m kind of terrified of what is actually going on in my digestive tract but better to know than to wonder and worry I guess.

In addition to all the extra testing, I am also on a pretty restrictive diet for the next three weeks to see if this will change anything.  So far, I feel better, but I can’t tell if it is because I am barely eating anything.  I really want to re-introduce some foods after the three weeks are over to see how they affect me.  Dairy is the one that I miss the most.  I can’t have ice cream or milk and I am missing those two things a lot.  Otherwise, I am doing ok on the diet.

My only other concern now is how this may or may not affect fertility.  I know this is a stupid thing to worry about, but a lot of the medications and the treatments are not great for fertility, pregnancy, or babies.  This will definitely come into play when we have to decide what direction to go in.

 

It’s On My Mind

Constantly.  I can’t stop thinking about it…  I really am convinced that I want another baby.  I just don’t feel done and if I really let myself think about not having another one, I get extremely upset.  I always pictured myself having three children and while I was pregnant with Tate, I thought that for me that meant two living children and our one angel baby.  But as time has progressed and Tater is growing up, I know in my heart of hearts that I want another child.

I am terrified that M will never be on board and I will live the rest of my life feeling like I am missing something.  I am also terrified of being pregnant again.  I do not handle pregnancies well and the thought of being pregnant and having that all consuming fear and anxiety for 9 months is daunting.  I am also extremely scared of losing another baby.  I just don’t know how I would handle that.

I know for a fact that I can handle three kids.  I love the two I have so much and I know a third would be a great addition.  I am not scared of the newborn phase, I am not scared of birth or delivery.  It really is the trying and the pregnancy itself that is terrifying.  And the possibility that something will go wrong, like the cord issues, or the diabetes.

And yet, even with all of this, I still know I want to do it again.  I know I will feel complete with a third child.  I just know it.

So for now, I wait and I stew and I yearn for another.  Maybe M will come around.  Maybe this time next year I will be pregnant again.  Maybe it will just happen like it did the last time.  Being a grownup and considering all options is exhausting.