It’s a Struggle

I’m struggling lately. Life is hard, you know? I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Things are piling up and I don’t have control over anything, which is making me want to get control more than ever.

Tate is having surgery on Friday. He’s been diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie and it is seriously affecting his life at this point. He’s plateaued in weight gain and he literally can barely eat, bottle or breast. I’m soooo tired because he consistently eats every 1.5 to 2 hours. Plus, I just plain feel terrible for him. I never want to see him in pain and he is in pain a lot of the time from his tummy. It’s hard, really hard. He’s such a sweet boy when he feels good and it’s awful seeing him hurting. The actual surgery scares me too even though it will be super quick and he doesn’t have to be put under or anything like that. But I can’t be with him and that is a point of extreme anxiety for me. I feel helpless.

To add to my stress, my childcare situation is becoming harder to deal with. Our babysitter is really sweet but she’s inconsistent and because of Tate’s eating troubles, I am scared to leave him with her. My parents, really my mom, has been watching him a lot and has recently declined in health so she’s not as available. Our financial situation doesn’t really allow for traditional childcare, so we are between a rock and a hard place. M’s job is not a money maker, but I don’t feel like I can ask him to sacrifice his happiness to make more money elsewhere. And I am certainly not going to quit or change my job. I actually enjoy what I am doing now and I make good money and I get great benefits.

The last little bit of stress is from the fact that we are buying the house we are in and even though it won’t change our financial situation, it is still super scary. I keep second guessing myself as to whether or not it is a good idea, even though I know it us. We love this house and we can make it work for us. But the pressure of being legit homeowners is straight up terrifying.

I know part of my stress is real and part of it is in my head. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but it is scary nonetheless. Being a grown up is terrifying. I’m just doing the best I can.

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Arlie 20 Months and Tate 3 Months

You guys, this is crazy how fast these kids are growing up.  I mean, a lot of the time I feel like it is just dragging like crazy, but other times I look at how big Arlie is and it blows my freaking mind!

Arlie is 20 months now and she is a handful.  I think that she gt a lot of my stubbornness and sass and a lot of M’s analytical thinking (ie plotting) and she is so smart.  I feel like I am constantly trying to stay one step ahead of her and it is hard!  She is now running everywhere.  And she has discovered a new love of walking on her tippy toes which is really hilarious and weird.  She also “jumps” a lot which is really her crouching down and springing back up and only leaving the ground a half an inch every fifth time she does it.  It is pretty funny to watch.

She is also talking non-stop.  Every few days she has a bunch of new words and she is actually using them in the correct context now too, which is amazing to watch.  It is memorizing to see her process the world around her.  She is speaking in small sentences now on occasion and that is also really interesting.  I am ashamed to admit that she has used the “F” word a couple of times now, but it comes out as Puck, so I think I can avoid feeling too terrible about it until she can actual say her f’s.  She likes to laugh at things, especially if M or I are laughing at something.  She is happy almost all the time.  Except for when she is not and that is SCARY.

She has strong opinions on what she is doing and how it is being done.  I see her starting to like patterns or certain ways of arranging things.  She reminds me of me in this aspect.  She is very vocal about what she thinks she wants or needs.  The occasional tantrum is occurring, but she can still be distracted easily so that’s nice.  I am afraid we are slowly but surely entering into the terrible twos and that scares me a little.  She really is sweet most of the time so when she is having a bad time/ moment, it is real and it is fierce.

She is eating almost everything we put in front of her, but she won’t finish it if she doesn’t like it.  When I ask her what she wants she can usually tell me but there are also some times when she is trying to get her point across and I can’t understand what she wants or needs and she loses it.  Those moments hurt my heart because I really do want her to feel like I am listening to her and responding appropriately.  She has also been sleeping in her own bed (still attached to my bed) for the last three months and that is going pretty well.  She usually starts out in her bed and then slowly merges into my bed by morning.  I love waking up with her snuggled up next to me.  I can’t get enough of her little girl snuggles.

Overall, she is still our amazing little Arlie.  Smart as a whip and so stinking cute.  I just love her more every day.  We truly are blessed to have her.

Tate is 3 months now and he is turning into a really lovey little boy.  He has been diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie and will have to have a quick surgery in October, which I am freaking out about.  Basically, the tongue tie has been the root of all his eating and digestion problems and hopefully this surgery will do the trick and we will be more successful with his feeding.  The diagnosis came about because he had not been gaining weight as fast as he had in the past and our doctor thought that we should see a pediatric ENT.  The ENT is the leading expert in posterior ties so we are very lucky to live where we do and have him be our doctor.  I am anxious and excited about getting it done.  I do not ever want him to be in pain but I know that this will help us both in the long run and that is the most important thing.

He is the happiest baby I have ever seen when he isn’t uncomfortable from his tummy.  He has such an amazing smile that just lights up his whole face.  He is also ridiculously strong, already almost able to sit up on his own.  He LOVES Arlie and she loves him.  He smiles when he sees her and she is constantly giving her hugs and kisses.

He is a little trouper and I just love him so much.  I am still wavering about having another kid and part of it is because I really do want him to be my baby forever.  I just feel so protective of him and I love that he loves me so much.  It is definitely different than my relationship with Arlie.  Not better or worse, but very different.  He is going to be a very interesting little toddler in a year from now…