1 Month/ 18 Months

That’s right, Tate is 1 month old and Arlie is 18 months old.  I feel like an old person now.  Do you know what a mind eff it is to say that I have kids.  Not just a kid, but multiple kidSSSSS.  It’s crazy.

Tate…  Well we made it to one month.  He is still very colicky.  And unhappy most of the time.  He spends a majority of his time fussing and crying.  I like him a lot when he is sleeping…  He has very recently started making eye contact with us and that has helped our relationship.  It’s less like a void parasite sucking me dry and more like a dependent little human who actually acknowledges my presence.  I sound like an asshole, I know.  But man, this kid is a lot of work.  It is waaaay harder than I thought it would be.  I am literally taking it one day at a time and barely surviving, but I keep telling myself eventually it will get better.  It’s super hard to remember that because right now it seems like an endless tunnel of crying and cranky baby.  I just keep thinking, DECEMBER, in my mind.  I am confident it will be significantly better by then.  And in two weeks I am going back to work part time so I will at least have a break from the crying.  My mom will be in charge of him on weekdays for the next three months or so.  My goal is to have him going to the baby sitter by November, but definitely by December.

He is largely just eating, sleeping, pooping, and crying right now.  He is making eye contact and he sometimes is awake and babbling which is pretty cute.  He loves Arlie and she loves him.  They are really adorable together.  He actually seems to like tummy time and he is incredibly strong.  His neck control is improving every day and that is nice.  I am looking forward to him being a little sturdier.  He has gained about 4 lbs since we left the hospital.  Its actually kind of crazy how fast he is growing.  Arlie was a little slower to gain weight so this is new to me.  I keep comparing them and I think that this is the wrong approach because they are obviously so different.

Arlie… She is ACTIVE.  Literally all.the.time.  She is running everywhere, climbing on everything, talking all the time.  She is really a joy but also such a handful.  She is weighing somewhere around 25ish lbs, but I won’t know for sure until mid August.  She is also around 32-33 inches tall.  Sometimes I look at her and I am absolutely amazed that she is so tall and such a big kid.  I had a really hard time adjusting to how BIG she is after Tate was born.  All of a sudden she was giant and it was a very hard thing to deal with.  Sometimes even now I pick her up and I am just astonished at how big she is.

She is talking a lot now.  Most of it is total gibberish, but she has about 20-30 words that she says.  I practice with her a lot and that is pretty fun.  I try to teach her a new word every other day or so.  It’s fun to spend the time with her having her say words back to us.  My favorite right now is when she says banana.  It is more like she is rolling her tongue but it is soooo cute and funny.  She is also understanding so many more things.  She can really take directions now (when she wants to) and that is really cool.  It is becoming clear that we have a little person on hand now rather than a baby.  She can also ask for food items now and that is really nice.  Her favorite word seems to be “no” which is both funny and infuriating at times.

She is growing preferences for certain clothes and certain items in the house.  This has been really interesting because she likes things that I didn’t expect her to like.  She is very much a rough and tumble girl which is a huge relief to me because I was worried I would end up with a really girly girl and I wasn’t sure how I would deal with that.  She is VERY smart and that is being shown in her attempt to manipulate situations.  This is also fun to watch but also kind of infuriating.  The worst thing right now is that she is constantly testing us.  She knows what is bad and she loves to push buttons.

Bedtime has become strange because it is still so light outside when we are trying to get her to sleep.  It will probably get easier in the fall and when the newness of sleeping in her own space and the new baby has worn off.  She is becoming a little more picky in her food choices but nothing too bad.  For the most part she still eats whatever we give her, but there are some foods now that she will only take one bite of.  Feeding a toddler is so freaking hard!  I try to keep her healthy but it’s hard when she barely eats some days and eats like a horse on others.

Arlie and Tate together…  This is not what I expected.  Arlie is head over heels in love with Tate.  She wants to hug and kiss him all the time.  She loves holding his hands and when he cries she tries to comfort him.  She does get jealous sometimes when she wants to be held, but for the most part, she is really enamored by him.  He seems to like to look at her and he does seem comforted at times by her.  I think as time goes on and he gets bigger their relationship will continue to grow.  They are definitely going to be close and that is something to look forward to.

Overall, both of them are doing well.  I will be very glad to be done with the fourth trimester and hopefully things with Tate will start to improve by then.  I am about 90% certain that I am done having kids, but I am leaving that open until I am 35.  M and I are both so worn out by Tate that the thought of another kid like him is extremely off putting.  But I can’t definitively say we are done.  I think I would also be happy if I got a puppy, so it’s hard to say… 🙂

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Three Weeks Old

Ok, so I rescind my earlier statement that life with two is easy.  I officially have a colic baby.  It started a week ago Saturday, just after Tate turned two weeks old.  He basically cries or grunts/squeals/fusses/screams all day and all night.  I am losing my mind.  The last two days have been better and I think it is because he has been on probiotics for a week and they are starting to work a little.  I am honestly beside myself at various times throughout the day (and night) because it is so incredibly frustrating.  Plus, I am exhausted from lack of sleep and it is killing me a little.

Let me be brutally honest…  I am not enjoying my life right now.  I love him, I really do, but the constant unhappiness and crying is REALLY hard to deal with.  I find myself getting extremely frustrated and even angry with him and that makes me feel like absolute shit.  I know it isn’t his fault.  I know he is in pain and that is why he is crying.  I know that he would be happier if he felt better.  But holy moly, the incessant crying is so incredibly awful.  It drains me.  My fatigue is overwhelming.  The worst part is that I am also having to deal with Arlie and she is a handful at best.

I am trying to be as honest as possible here, so I am going to level with everyone.  M is killing me.  I love him, I really do.  But he is largely unhelpful when it comes to Tate and it is so incredibly frustrating.  I can’t leave Tate with him to get a break because he doesn’t really pay attention to him.  He gets frustrated with him easily and even though I know with 100% certainty that he would never do anything to hurt Tate, in my post partum mind fuck, I worry about everything.  I actually don’t feel like I can leave him with anyone because I am terrified that they will get frustrated with him and harm him.  I’m sure this would never actually happen but in my mind, I am the only person who can take care of him and tolerate his crying.  I also think that being the mommy in this situation is the hardest thing I have every experienced.  I am trying the best I can and I feel like I am failing most of the time.  I want a break.  I want to escape for two hours and relax somewhere but I know I will spend most of that time worrying.  It is a brutal catch 22 and I am willing the days and weeks to go faster.  I hate wishing away the newborn stage, but I am doing so every single day.

Arlie is being a toddler.  Getting into everything.  Being whiny and loud and crazy.  She is also adjusting and it is hard for her.  I think she just realized that Tate is not leaving.  She has been wanting me to pick her up more and she wants more of my attention.  It’s really hard when I can’t give her what she wants because I am feeding Tate.  I was so worried that she was going to be upset when he came home but I am quickly realizing that I was actually scared about how I was going to adjust, not her.

I am hoping things will get better.  I am hoping that I find ways to make Tate happier and less cranky.  I really hope when things get better that I can forget what is happening now.  I’m trying to do small things that make me happy, like writing here.  I have decided to go back to work earlier than I had planned.  I think the break of work will be good for me.  Plus it will save me some vacation time and that is ideal.  I hate leaving either of them, but in this case, I feel like I need to do this in order to save my sanity.  Colic is said to last until 3 months and that is a ways off, so I think having the break and the mental stimulation of work will be really good for me and good for both of the kids.

Sorry this is so negative.  I looked everywhere on the interwebs to read about other’s experiences with colic and they don’t really seem to exist so I thought if I were totally honest, it might help other people going through the same thing.  I am hoping that I can start doing updates that are a little more positive.  Bear with me as I navigate through this.  And please feel free to share your advice with me if you have any.