Am I Weird?

Almost every day I see articles or blog posts or status updates on facebook declaring parenthood as awful, or unsatisfying, or any number of other things that are negative.  I can’t stand this…

When I was growing up I never really wanted to be a parent, or be married for that matter.  But after I married M, I really changed my mind.  I wanted children badly and I couldn’t wait to be a parent.  When we had Arlie, I was so incredibly happy.  Being a parent is hard, I will not deny that.  But it is also the best thing I have every done.  I LOVE my children.  I adore Arlie and I think she is awesome.  I like being around her.  I have very little desire to not be around her or to “take a break”.  I actually find it mildly offensive when people ask me if I want them to take Arlie for a night so I can get a “break”.  What these people don’t understand is that I literally live the rest of my life to ensure that I have time with Arlie.  I don’t want a break.  I like my kid.  I think she is amazing and funny and clever and just all around great.  Yes, she is a brat sometimes.  Yes, she makes me crazy sometimes.  Yes, there are times that I leave her with M so I can go upstairs and escape from her for 15 minutes.  But I am making a conscious choice to spend time with her.  Not out of guilt or out of what I think I should be doing.  I spend time with her because I genuinely enjoy the time I have with her.

Occasionally I find myself wondering if I am weird because I like my kid so much.  I mean, is it weird that I had a child and I actually want to hang out with her?  I really don’t think that it is.  Arlie is an amazing little person.  I am looking forward to having another little person around.  I find being a parent to be the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.  I am constantly surprised by people around me that complain frequently about their kids.  Or refer to their kids in a negative way.  It confuses me, because ultimately, having a kid is a CHOICE.  No one is forcing people to have children and I think we ALL know how a baby comes to be.

This sounds ranty, and a little judgemental and that is not really my intention.  My intention is to make it clear that I really and truly enjoy being a parent.   I honestly like my kid (soon to be kids) and I feel lucky to be a parent.  I think that this all goes back to being a person who experienced loss and was on a path with others who have also experienced loss.  It changes the way you look at parenting.  And how you choose to parent too.

I’d like to see more articles and more blog posts about how awesome it is to be a parent.  And how lucky we all are to have these amazing kids.  I know I am lucky.  I know that Arlie is an incredible blessing and I am so in love with her.  I’d like to bottle this feeling and keep it forever because as she gets older, I know it will get harder.  As I approach an entirely new and very scary part of my life, I am looking forward to seeing how Tate fits into the mix.  Will my love expand?  Will Tate be like Arlie and make me cry with laughter on a daily basis?  I am excited to see what happens next.

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32 Weeks

I made it to another milestone!  32 Weeks baby!

This week has already been interesting.  Last Monday I had an appointment and I mentioned that Tate had not been moving the way he had been in the past and that comment, partnered with my epic anxiety was enough to have the midwife send me over to labor and delivery to get monitored.  So I spent about 5 hours over there on my birthday.  It was a long day, but everyone was really nice and the ultrasound tech that I got was amazing.  He spent a ton of time telling me what each body part was and even got me some 3D views of Tate’s face.  I felt kind of dumb afterwards, but everyone kept reassuring me that I made the right move coming over to get the extra monitoring.

I also saw all my other doctors and my meds have been upped for the GD.  I also scheduled the induction date and (I shit you not) 12 appointments starting on May 12th for NST’s.  Basically this week and next week will be relatively slow as far as appointments go, but after that I am looking at 3 appointments per week.  And next week, although slow on appointments, brings on my last large event before Tate is born.  I am coordinating an educational program for 3rd and 4th graders and I am expecting to see about 1200 students over two days.  I cannot wait until next Thursday when I can relax again….

How far along? 32 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: 30 lbs.  I am supposed to gain another 6 before he gets here.  We will see….
Maternity clothes? Yes.  I wish I had some more variety but it seems silly to buy anything else now.
Stretch marks? None other than the two on my calves.
Sleep: On and off good and bad.  I am struggling with the peeing all the time and that requires me to get up about 6 times every night.
Best moment this week: Seeing Tate again on ultrasound.  He looks sooo much like Arlie.
Miss Anything? Cake.  OMG, I would kill someone for cake.  Chocolate with raspberry filling and fudge frosting.
Movement: Little bugger is sitting in a very strange position and that makes him a little harder to feel.  He also no longer does the big kicks, it is more like these weird controlled rolls and shoves.  He is sitting head up and kind of across my body and that makes everything kind of muddles and weird.
Food cravings: CAKE!!!!!
Anything making you queasy or sick: I have trouble if I am laying too flat.  And sometimes in the morning.
Have you started to show yet? Yes, no mistaking that I am pregnant.
Gender: BOY!!  Confirmed at the ultrasound. 🙂
Labor Signs: Still some braxton hicks.
Symptoms: Braxton hicks, stuffy nose, swelling, fatigue.
Belly Button in or out? Almost all out.  It is ugly…
Wedding rings on or off? On!  I finally got it back from the jeweler and it still fits!  Woooooot!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty happy.  I am still battling the anxiety, but I am also getting pretty excited for the end here.  And having all the appointments will help with the boredom and the anxiety.
Looking forward to:  My next ultrasound.  I love being able to see his face again.  Such a cute little bugger.

Last Thursday

This is seriously how my day went….  No jokes.

I started out the day by waking up and immediately having an IBS attack because I am on antibiotics for a UTI.  (Thanks body!).  I decided that I was not going to go to work that day because the combo of the antibiotics making me sick and the actual pain from the UTI was just not something I wanted to deal with at work.  I called in and said I would work from home that day and then called the baby sitter and told her that Arlie was going to stay home with me.

I had a GD appointment at 8:30 so Arlie and I went to that.  At that appointment I found out that I needed meds and that I would probably have a different plan of attack from that point forward.  This was disappointing and bummed me out pretty bad.  After the appointment, I decided to take Arlie home for a nap.  This was probably the most successful part of our day…

When she woke up, we went to the pharmacy to pick up my new meds and I decided to take Arlie to the park afterwards for some fun.  Specifically I wanted to take her to a park that had swings.  Anywho, got her to the park, put her in the swing and she immediately started crying.  We moved onto the play structure, she fell in the mud and covered her pants.  Moved onto the life size train engine that is in the park where a little boy was mean to Arlie and I had to restrain myself from yelling at him.

When we got home, I got her down for a nap and we watched some television while she got sleepy.  At this point, I hear something buzzing in the house and I see that there is a honey bee in the house.  I freaked out because I am allergic to bees and I was terrified that Arlie was going to get stung.  So I killed that one (and felt terrible because even though I don’t really like them, I know that honey bees are dying off in large numbers) and then immediately saw another one flying around.  And then two more….  I seriously lost my shit at this point ans started hyperventilating because I didn’t have any windows open, so they were getting into my house from somewhere else.  I checked all the vents and called my dad to see what to do.  As soon as I got off the phone with him, I could hear more buzzing, so I muted the television and waited to hear where it was coming from…

You guys, I shit you not…  There was a fucking swarm of honey bees in my microwave vent.  They were all buzzing around in there.  I ran outside really quick to check the outside opening to the vent, and sure enough, there was a million bees all over the vent opening.  I freaked out again, called a bee removal person and when I got back inside there were 8 MORE bees in my house.  I killed all of them and then realized that I could turn on the vent to the microwave, which was a brilliant move because they quickly dispersed after that.  Holy crap, I very nearly crapped my pants during all of this.

And, just so you don’t think that the drama ended there…. After dinner I was trying to clean up and I reached into the sink to start putting dishes into the dishwasher and SLICED THE TIP OF MY FINGER on a knife that was sitting blade side up in the sink.  Not gonna lie, I started crying.  Not because it hurt, but because I literally couldn’t take anymore.  M finished cleaning up and I went and got in the shower and then straight into bed.

Rough day…….

31 Weeks

So, I am 31 weeks now and…..  I’m 32 years old today!  Old balls!

I spent the weekend doing some fun things.  My mom took me to a pedicure, which was really nice.  I generally hate people touching me, but this was nice because my feet and lower legs are swollen most of the time and I actually enjoyed the generous massage the girl gave me.  Plus, I literally can’t reach my toes anymore so it was nice to have someone doing it for me.  My parents made a big dinner that and I ate ice cream cake (but still tested within range, woot!).  Yesterday M took me to brunch and then we took Arlie to some horse stables so she could look at the horses.  Needless to say, I am exhausted.

On the baby front, I am kind of freaking out.  Tate has been a little quieter the past two days (and it still kind of quiet today) and that has me all worried.  I think he changed positions in there and however he is laying is making it hard for me to feel him.  I have an appointment this morning, so I am going to talk to the midwife and see if she can take a peek and see how he is doing.  I also have a million other questions for her, so I am going to be bugging her today.  I don’t really care any more if they think I am crazy because I am fully ok with the fact that I am crazy.

How far along? 31 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: Holding steady at 30 lbs.  The change in diet is really having an effect.
Maternity clothes? Yes, I can’t even fit in my old clothes anymore.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Nope.  I am barely sleeping right now.  I wake up a million times to pee, I can’t fall back asleep afterwards, I wake up an HOUR before my alarm is going to go off and can’t go back to sleep.  Plus, I am so freaking HOT all the time.
Best moment this week: Taking Arlie to see some horses.  And getting to eat a small piece of cake.
Miss Anything?  I miss sweets.  And giant glasses of milk in the morning, or lattes.  And cereal.  Gosh, kind of a lot of things.  I just want to eat what I want again.  I know it’s not that much longer but man I am missing some of my favorite foods.
Movement: He’s moving, just not the same as before.  I’m still getting the right number of movements per day, they are just more muffled and different.
Food cravings: See above.  Lots of stuff.  Nothing I can actually have.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really.  I get full faster, but I am not eating as much either so its kind of a wash.
Have you started to show yet? Yes.  The bump is lower than with Arlie and he definitely sits differently.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: I have been having braxton hicks again…  They are actually higher up on the bump now too, which is kind of a weird feeling.  I downloaded a contraction app just to be safe.  
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, some braxton hicks, heartburn and acid reflux.  I am also swelling periodically, but nothing as bad as with Arlie yet.
Belly Button in or out? I just concluded yesterday that it is officially an outie and it looks kind of hilarious.  Especially because I had a navel piercing for 10 years and that looks ridiculous.
Wedding rings on or off? Off, but only because it is being fixed.  Hopefully it still fits when I get it back this week.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, but with my moodiness on occasion.  I really do wish that June would get here faster.
Looking forward to: Getting some clarification today at my appointment.

Look out for my other post today….  I am going to outline my Thursday last week.  It was a real shit show.

Stupid Gestational Diabetes

Do you like my title?  I think it perfectly sums up how I have been feeling about this for the last two weeks.

I had my initial appointment with the educator on the 8th and I got my meter and strips and lancets.  She has me testing four times a day right now and after my appointment with her yesterday, I don’t see that changing.  The ranges I got from the educator is <95 fasting and <130 1 hour post meals.  For the first week, I kept a food log with what I was eating and another log that had all my testing numbers.  Every single day my fastings were high, even after trying to modify my bedtime snack and the time I was eating it.  Only 1 number out of 8 was within range and most were at least 6-10 points above the range.    Most of my fastings were 102-105.  This was bad (although moderately bad, so thats a plus…) so yesterday I was put on glyburide at the lowest possible dose for overnight.  I took my first dose last night and my fasting number this morning was 97, so thats getting close at least.

My diet has changed because I can’t eat certain carbs before noon, which basically means that I am eating the exact same meal for breakfast almost every day.  I am pretty much not allowed any sweets for the day time, but I am allowed to have 1/2 cup of full fat ice cream with my bedtime snack and that is nice.  I am restricted to only having fruit after noon and no milk until later in the afternoon.  I don’t necessarily feel that restricted, but I do wish I could have a few of my old favorite foods.  Overall the diet is going fine and I feel better, so thats good I guess.

In my appointment yesterday, I had to go over what the plan will be for the rest of the pregnancy because I was way too upset to retain any information at the last appointment.  Basically, now that I am on glyburide, I will probably only be allowed to go to 39 weeks, which is actually pretty fine with me.  I need to confirm everything with my midwife on Monday, but it seems like because of the meds, I will have to be on a drip the whole time, which kind of sucks.  They will be giving me insulin or sugar water during labor to help offset the diabetes affects.  I will probably be allowed to eat certain things while in labor as well as long as I can keep food down.  I currently have an induction scheduled on June 27th, but I think I will have to move this to the 19th or the 20th, which is ok with me.  Honestly, I am ready to be done with being pregnant, as long as Tate is fine.  I am kind of pushing for the 20th for the induction because father’s day is the 21st and that would be sooo cool to have him be born on father’s day.  We’ll see how that goes.

I am still feeling kind of down about this.  I just can’t really get over the failure feeling, even though I know that isn’t really what is happening here.  The worst thing right now is having family members doubt the diagnosis.  Basically there are people around me that think it was a false positive, etc.  It clearly was not based on my numbers and I am annoyed at the little comments.  Plus, people really don’t believe me when I say I can’t eat certain things.  And in total honesty, I will probably follow some of the diet after birth because my IBS has been in check since I started it.  Maybe there is some sort of correlation between less carbs and my IBS being less severe.  Overall I feel better, which I am grateful for and I haven’t had a headache for two weeks, which is sooooo different from my norm.

So far, it’s been a mix of crappy and ok.  I guess we will see how it goes for the next 6-8 weeks…

30 Weeks

Ten more weeks!  Actually probably more like 8 or 9, depending on how everything goes.  I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am to be nearing the end of this pregnancy.  I am definitely not one of those glowy pregnant people (I’m not actually sure these people exist in real life).  I am the sweaty, huffing, red faced pregnant person who wishes she could sit in a shower all day. And never leave my house.

So we are meeting with the maternity care coordinator this afternoon to go over our birth plan.  This should be even more interesting than originally planned because Arlie will be coming with us.  Nothing quite like having your 15 month old running around in an office with a stranger while talking about our plan of how this new baby is going to come out of my vagina.  Should be a real shit show.  Also, the appointment is right during Arlie’s prime nap time, so again, this should be awesome.  I am actually looking forward to it because I want to get this plan in place and I want to get my pre-admission stuff out of the way.  I actually kind of freaked out a little last night because I haven’t gotten a bag together at all for myself for Tate and you just never know what could happen.  Plus, my to-do list for things I want to get settled before he gets here is rather long and really not even close to completed at all.  Guess the next few weekends will be working weekends….

How far along? 30 weeks 3 days.
Total weight gain: I think I am still hovering right at 30 lbs.  I think I am actually losing weight, which is not the plan but my body is kind of pissed at me right now.
Maternity clothes?  Yes, just got a new pair of jeans in the mail yesterday because my favorite old ones have started to develop a hole in the crotch.  I also got one new tank top, which is sooo nice and soft and long.
Stretch marks? Nope, only the couple of tiny ones on my calves.
Sleep: I am absolutely sleeping like crap.  I can’t get comfortable and I have to pee constantly.  Plus, I alternate between being super hot and being super cold.  Its frustrating.
Best moment this week: I got to meet my best friend’s new little baby .  He is so tiny and cute.  Its such a blessing to them.
Miss Anything? Right now I miss a lot of things.  Mostly I miss being able to eat what I want and being able to bend over properly.
Movement: Yes, he seems to be flipping upside and rightside down all the time.  I actually am a little nervous that he is sitting transverse right now.  The movements are getting to be more of the slow rolling or body part shoving ones rather than the big kicks and punches.  
Food cravings: I seriously want a giant bowl of ice cream right now.  And I just saw a commercial for Sweet Tarts ropes and that is obviously all I want now.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken.  There is something about it that just plain grosses me out.  I had this problem with Arlie but I had slowly put it back into my diet.  But not anymore.  Yuck. 
Have you started to show yet? Yes.  Yesterday someone asked me when I was due and she seemed genuinely shocked that I still have two months to go.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: I am still getting occasional Braxton Hicks.  And it seems like when he drops or turns head down, it is way more uncomfortable than it used to be.
Symptoms: I have to pee ALL.THE.TIME.  I am also exhausted and my stupid snottu/stuffy nose is killing me.  I am starting to have some swelling too, but it seems to be a little more under control than it was before.
Belly Button in or out? Mostly out.  It is very shallow on one end and the rest is all popped out.
Wedding rings on or off? On (sort of).  I had to take it to the jewelers to get it fixed this weekend and I won’t get it back until next week.  Feels so weird to have it missing.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I am still leaning towards the moody side, but there are at least moments of happiness.  I am cranky about the gestational diabetes and all the bullshit that goes with that.  Plus, I have been kind of annoyed with the overall care I am receiving right now but I think that this is just a passing phase.  Hopefully.
Looking forward to: I have two or three appointments a week from now until he gets here so that fills up most of my time and gives me tiny little goals to “look forward” to.

I am ready for June…..

Bringing Tate Home- Part 3- After the Hospital

The one thing that I want to try to avoid is disrupting Arlie schedule too much during the initial transition to having a new baby home.  This obviously starts with bring Tate home.

The plan is to have Arlie be at home already with my mother in law so that she is not coming into the house with a new baby there.  My idea with this is that if she is already home and in her normal element with a person she is comfortable with then when we come home with a new person, it will be less of a shock.

I’ve gotten a lot of really good advice from people about how to deal with two small children and the best thing I have heard so far is to deal with the toddler before the infant.  The toddler will know if they are being ignored, but the infant will not.  I don’t necessarily think that I will be ignoring Tate, but more so that I am going to try as hard as possible to make Arlie feel comfortable.  I may be way over thinking this, but it is really important to me that she is happy and not feeling neglected.

As far as visitors go, we are going to try to limit them as much as possible.  As I said in Part 2, I will not be having visitors in the hospital.  I would like to keep the number of visitors in the first two weeks to a minimum.  I remember being overwhelmed at trying to keep the house clean and having people constantly in the house.  I especially hated when people would visit during prime nursing times.  We are going to let family member know that there will be certain days that they can come visit and I am going to try to stick to this.  I know last time I craved the interaction with people, but I just feel like I want to not have to worry about a bunch of people being in my space for a while.  Plus, I am not so terrified of leaving the house like I was last time, so I think that this will help combat the trapped feeling.

For the first few weeks, I will try to get us all on a schedule that works for everyone.  Arlie is very used to the schedule we are on right now, so it will be a challenge to make the adjustments but I think we can handle it.  My ultimate goal is to have Tate on a semi-set schedule by 4-6 weeks and to have it fit into Arlie’s schedule as much as possible.

Overall, the goal is to have two happy kiddos, and I know that this will be a challenge. I think this is probably the thing I am most afraid of because it is so up in the air.  We have no idea what Tate’s personality is going to be like and that is daunting.  Arlie was and is an easy baby so I am anticipating Tate being a little more to handle.  We shall see I guess.

29 Weeks

This week has already been crazy.  And exhausting.  My best friend had her rainbow baby yesterday and it is the most surreal thing ever.  She has literally been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 4 years and her little man is finally here.  He is perfect.  That was probably the most stressed out I have ever been for something that didn’t directly involve me.  Her labor was quick and with only a small complication afterwards, so overall a good experience.  I get to go meet him tomorrow and that will be beyond weird.  I am used to visiting her in the hospital after bad things have happened, so this is going to be very strange.

Yesterday I saw one of the midwives for my 28 week check-up.  She was incredibly sweet and I really needed that.  We talked about my birth desires and I said that I really didn’t want to go past 40 weeks, which she agreed to because of the GD.  She was actually really kind and got the call schedule for June and we scheduled my induction on June 27th, which is technically 40+3 if we were going by my LMP.  I wanted to make sure that if induction was the route I had to take, she would be the person there to deliver Tate.  I told her that I was uncomfortable with pitocin again and she said that she would break my water instead and that was a giant relief for me.  I really want to experience labor without pitocin because I think I can go naturally if there is no pitocin involved.  Honestly, I left the appointment feeling really good and almost excited.  I like having a definitive end date but I am still really hoping that I go early and can avoid induction all together.

How far along? 29 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain: 30 lbs.  I only gained a pound and a half between appointments this time.
Maternity clothes? Yes.  I can’t wait to fit into my t-shirts again.
Stretch marks? Nope.  My stomach is clear.  One new one on my calf, but they come and go so I am not worried.
Sleep:  On and off terrible and good.  Some nights it is great and others it is not.  I have trouble getting comfortable.  And staying asleep.
Best moment this week: Scheduling my end date and having a new rainbow baby come into this world!
Miss Anything? Right now I miss sweets.  I would love to have some cake.  And ice cream.
Movement: Yes, he is a pretty active baby.  He’s started jamming body parts out of the top of the bump.  Lots of weird alien movement….
Food cravings:  Sweets….  Not allowed anymore.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really.  Sometimes water. 
Have you started to show yet? Yes
Gender: BOY
Labor Signs: Braxton hicks nearly every day.  Otherwise, nothing. 
Symptoms: BH, snotty nose, some round ligament pain.  I’m getting more uncomfortable.
Belly Button in or out? In and out.
Wedding rings on or off? On.  One of my diamonds fell out of my ring so it will be at the jewelers for a while.  I hope it still fits after that.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I’m not gonna lie, I am seriously moody.  The GD combined with being more and more tired and uncomfortable is not making a very nice me.  I think another aspect is the fact that things are starting to go fast and I am now going to have at least doctors appointment a week until Tate gets here.  It’s all a little overwhelming to me.
Looking forward to: June.  Honestly, I just can’t wait until he gets here.

Bringing Home Tate- Part 2- Hospital Plan

I meet with the hospital’s maternity coordinator at the end of this month to discuss my “birth plan”.  At this point stuff is pretty up in the air because of the GD diagnosis, so this is based on if we get to have another relatively normal delivery.

I am hoping to go into labor naturally, but with the GD diagnosis, I will not be allowed to go past 40 weeks, so there is a possibility of an induction unless Tate decides to come early.  I am hoping for somewhere around 38-39 weeks and being able to labor at home for a while.  The overall plan is to stay at home as long as possible and labor there.  I will likely be strep B positive again, so if my water breaks, it is straight to the hospital for us.  Ultimately I just don’t want to feel the panic I felt last time, and I think if I can prepare for all the possibilities, that would be better for me in the long run.

If I can labor at home, we will keep Arlie there with us as long as possible.  If it is a rush situation, my parents live about the same distance from the hospital as we do, so it will be M’s job to get her and her bag into the car so my parents can meet us at the hospital.  If it isn’t a rush and we have some time at home, I have asked my parents to come pick Arlie up from our house before we head to the hospital.  I am only planning for Arlie to stay with my parents for 1 night unless something happens that makes us stay at the hospital longer.

As far as when we actually get the the hospital, I am pretty much leaving the birth plan open.  I want to be able to walk if possible and I would like to avoid pitocin if possible. I don’t really care about the tub but I would like to have the option to get into the tub if I want.  I also want to have the lights off or very low and I only want M in the room for the majority of the time.  I do not want a nurse there all the time.  The nurse we had last time was amazing and popped in and out of the room periodically to make sure we were ok and that was perfect.  I want M to stay with me as much as possible, but I have also mandated that he eats something every 2 hours.  He did not eat last time and ended up with a migraine so that wasn’t very fun for him and it was REALLY annoying to me.  I’ve told him to leave me alone if I ask for it and to stay with me unless I specifically tell him to leave.

My goal is to go natural, but I am in no way opposed to getting an epidural again.  Especially if I have to be induced.  I am fine with pushing on my back, but I am open to trying other positions.  I do not want to have a water birth at all.  I didn’t really enjoy being in the tub the first time, so I can’t imagine that I would want to be in there that much this time.  I am staunchly opposed to an episiotomy and my midwife knows that so I am not too worried about that.  I definitely want a mirror and I want to pull Tate up onto my chest after birth.  I want M to cut the cord.

After he is born, I want to hold him for as long as possible and see if he will nurse.  I am declining the Hepatitis B shot, but he will get the vitamin K and whatever else.  I will request no bath for him and we probably won’t bathe him until we get home.  I am taking full advantage of the golden hour the hospital provides and there will be nobody in the room but me and M during that time.

The one thing I want to make very clear to all family members is that we will not be having visitors in the hospital other than my parents, who will bring Arlie to see me the day after I give birth.  I was really uncomfortable last time with people coming into the room with me partially dressed and feeling/looking kind of crappy.  Plus, it is time that I want to spend bonding with Tate.  I’ve asked M to not stay the night with me at the hospital and instead I want him to have Arlie so we don’t mess with her schedule and comfort level too much.  Ideally, I would go into labor in the early morning, labor at home for a bit, go to the hospital and have the baby by early to mid evening so M can be home with Arlie at night.  If it goes this way, M can bring her to the hospital to see us the next day and that will avoid having my parents at the hospital at all.  I know that this is unlikely to be the actual scenario but I can hope I guess.

As far as my next day hospital plan goes, I want to get the hell out of there as soon as possible.  I would prefer to stay under 48 hours, but I am not riding all my hopes on that.  There are a few things that I definitely want to remember this time around…  I want to remember to eat before we go to the hospital and to ask for beef broth when we get there if I am not allowed to eat.  I want to remember that I couldn’t pee for almost 24 hours after I gave birth.  (It was so bizarre and kind of awful).  I want to remember that the portions of hospital food are TINY and if you don’t specify that you want pancakeS, you get one single pancake.  (This was my first hospital mistake last time.  The morning after I had Arlie, I ordered pancakes, but they brought one single pancake and I almost cried.)  I also really want to remember that this is not as scary as I think it is.  I feel a lot more confident than I did last time and it really helps knowing what to expect.  Mostly I want to make my best effort to remember everything I can because it really is an amazing thing and I have such positive memories from Arlie’s birth.

Gestational Diabetes

Well, this is not going as planned.  Just when I had it in my head that I was having a completely normal pregnancy, BAM!  Gestational diabetes.  Quite frankly, I am pretty upset.  Really upset.  I have been struggling with the anxiety and worry and this is obviously not going to help.  I am also limited in what I can eat as it is because of my IBS, so I am really worried about what I am going to be able to eat.  Plus, having to monitor my blood sugar seems daunting and I seriously want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I meet with my doctor on Monday so that should be interesting.  I asked M to skip work that day and come with me because I don’t think I will be able to listen fully to what she has to say.

I’m not going to lie…  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I fucked up and now another one of my babies is at risk.  I am TERRIFIED of what this means and I am devastated.  I’m trying to keep myself in check until I know more but at this point, I am just plain pissed off and so incredibly scared.  I had hoped that this time I would go into labor on my own and not have to be induced, but that just went out the window.  I feel cheated again and I am tired.  I am tired of worrying and being in a constant state of near panic.  I know that in the whole scheme of things, this is actually relatively minor.  But no matter what I am in the high risk category again and it is not at all what I wanted.

The worst part for me right now is that beyond the fear and the worry, I am also freaking out about what I will be able to eat.  I love my sugar and it is really upsetting to me that I will not be able to eat it anymore.  Especially as my birthday is this month and I want to be able to to celebrate.  And how do I eat out?  How am I going to find enough food that is ok with the GD and also won’t exacerbate my IBS and ulcerative colitis?

Ugh, if any of you have any experience with this, I’d love to hear from you.  Until I know more, I will just be freaking out and probably having bouts of crying.  Dramatic, yes.  I don’t know how else to deal with this.