Maybe I Should Just Go Back to Bed

It’s only 7:45 am and I am already ready for this day to be over.  Arlie woke up at 5:00 this morning and was not interested at all in going back to sleep.  M and I passed her back and forth for an hour, when she finally fell asleep again.  My alarm went off 15 minutes later.

Don’t worry everyone, it got worse from there.  I am sick.  And feel disgusting.  Like barfing and feeling queasy forever disgusting.

M was supposed to get a bag of frozen breast milk out of the freezer last night and put it in the fridge for me so I could dump it in a bottle this morning.  He did not accomplish this task, which meant that I had to rush around this morning trying to get Arlie all ready to go to my parent’s house (which is stressful at best because I would rather not see them ever again).  I also forgot to sanitize my pump parts last night because I literally could not stay awake past 7:30.

And to top this off, when I got to my parent’s house this morning, they were still in bed sleeping because they “forgot” that we were coming.  Even though this routine has been going on for 9 fucking months.  AND this is the last Thursday that she will ever be there as I am starting with my new sitter next week.

So I am slightly concerned about the rest of today.  I mean, I know that it could get worse.  I am just hoping that it will get a little better.  Days like today make me nervous about leaving Arlie because I would just feel safer if she and I would just be locked up together in our house alone.

Hope for me….


October Again

This week was hard. Really hard. Yesterday I had to put my beloved dog down after learning earlier in the week that he had an inoperable cancerous tumor surrounding his spleen. He had been sick for about a month and was treated with antibiotics and pain meds with the assumption that he had an infection. When he just wasn’t getting better, I took him back in and we did more testing. Obviously the news was bad.

Mason was the best dog ever. He was calm, never bad. He loved food, but was never greedy or aggressive. He was my bug. My best companion. I got him when he was six weeks old. He turned 12 in September. I’ve never been away from him for more than 5 days.

The worst part for me was the relief I felt afterwards. I have been dreading the day for a long time. The anticipation I felt from Wednesday to Friday morning was awful. The vet suggested on Wednesday that I take him home for a couple of days to say goodbye. It was bittersweet having him home but knowing exactly what time he would be gone.

The most bizarre thing happened on Wednesday night. M and I got good news about something I had been worried about. We wavered between grief and happiness. It made the process very strange and off.

In the end, he went peacefully. He’s not suffering now and I don’t have to worry about him now. I miss him terribly. I miss his noise. And his funny behavior. I miss his smell and his smile. Those that don’t know Bassett hounds won’t understand the last two things. I am near a panic attack when I think about never seeing him again. I don’t know life without him and it will be a huge adjustment. I loved him fiercely and I will never forget him. Mr. Mason. My bug. My stinky poo poo head. My love.

9 Months

Arlie is nine months old today!  I seriously can’t believe how fast this is going.  It seems like life has gone into warp speed the last few months and I am shocked at how different everything is.

Updates on the little miss:  Arlie is officially crawling now.  She spent the first part of her 8th month doing this weird one legged frog style crawl that really didn’t get her anywhere.  She looked pretty hilarious doing it too.  But about two weeks ago she figured out that if she used both legs and propelled herself forward, she would actually be moving.  This has certainly changed our household.  She is into EVERYTHING!  Our house is relatively bare but now that there is a little munchkin crawling around, it seems like there is stuff everywhere that she can pick up or try to climb onto.  It is so scary!  Plus, she is super determined, so re-directing her is absolutely ineffective.

As I mentioned above, she is mobile, but this now includes pulling herself up onto everything.  She just wants to stand up and look at everything.  This is also terrifying because some of the items in our house that she is using to pull up onto are not super stable.  Even our coffee table is a little risky in my opinion.

Arlie has decided that it is hilarious to roll around and be a wiggly monster when I am trying to change her now too.  As soon as the diaper gets off, she rolls over and tries to make a break for it.  It is so funny and cute at this point that I have not really done much to stop her.  Lets be serious, naked baby butt is probably the cutest thing ever.  Plus, she giggles while she is trying to get away and that makes me laugh.

She has also started giving hugs.  They are generally pretty sloppy, one armed squeeze fests, but it is so dang cute!  I love when she hasn’t seen me in a bit and she does her squeezes.  Its lovely.  Shes become quite cuddly with me, which is also really nice.

On the food front, she is loving some more grown up things like quesadillas and whole pieces of banana.  She is pretty funny with her regular food because if we try to give her anything that has chunks in it she gags and refuses to eat it.  But if we give her the purees and sides of chunkier food, she goes crazy.  I think we are on the right track, so hopefully in a month or so she will be onto more solid foods and less purees.  She also loves water and we’ve tried breast milk in a cup a few times too.  Little miss loves her food, thats for sure!

We go for her 9 month check up at the end of the month, so I will know exact stats then, but I would say for now she is probably in the 20ish pound range and probably around 28 inches long.  She definitely takes after M body wise.  Hopefully this continues and I haven’t passed onto her the dreaded thunder thighs from my side of the family.

Thats all for now!

Another Let Down

I’ve been hesitating on whether or not I should write about this and I have finally decided that I need to.  Mostly for me so I don’t feel like I am letting all these thought linger in my head too long.  And because I know I can find some support here.

I have written before briefly about my childhood.  My parents were not very good parents.  They were not physically abusive, or even really mentally abusive, but they were not emotionally supportive of me or my siblings.  This has affected all of us in different ways.  For me, it has been hard at times and I often do not feel love from them.  In high school, I barely spoke when at home and this was mostly because I did not feel heard when I did speak, so I eventually just gave up.  My mother was less of a culprit of the emotional abuse than my father, but she never stood up for us or made any of us feel truly loved.  My father is an incredibly selfish and unreliable person.  He is an alcoholic and a narcissist.  He put a lot of emphasis on sports, which was difficult for all of us and especially my sister and I.

As an adult, I have learned not to trust them very much and never to rely on them.  I had hopes that they would be good grandparents, as my grandparents were awful and I hoped that Arlie (and any other children we have) could have a true grandparent experience with my parents.  I am not sure why I believed this and I regret having hope where there was none.

Fast forward to now.  Arlie has been staying with my mother 2 days a week (really closer to about 1 and a half because one of the days is M’s early day).  Everything seemed to be going fine.  My parents started smoking again when Arlie was about 3 months old and it really bothered me.  I asked them not to smoke while she was there and while my mother agreed to stop while Arlie was there, my father flat out refused and continued.  I need to emphasize that they were not smoking in the house, but it still bothered me a lot.  M and I discussed not having her there anymore at that time, and his mom happily agreed to do more time during the week, which was a relief.

About a week ago my parents (specifically my father) asked me to find somewhere else for Arlie to be.  He said that they wanted more time to “travel” (ironic because they never go anywhere and are both afraid to fly) and do what they want.  My mother sat there silently while my father talked.  I left shortly after that and contacted our other childcare provider and arranged for Arlie to be with her as much as possible.  When I went back to my parents house a couple days later, I told my mother that they would no longer have Arlie anymore except for an occasional day.  She did not react at all.

Let me explain that my mother agreed when I was pregnant to have Arlie three days a week and I agreed to pay them a small amount of money.  At the time this seemed like the perfect solution as we are poor and I trusted my mother to take good care of Arlie.

I am hurt and upset and honestly incredibly disappointed.  Arlie is so amazing and so easy.  My father NEVER had to watch her and my mother was constantly telling me how much she enjoyed having her there and constantly referred to her as “my girl” (which was so effing annoying, but whatever).  Everything changed when my father retired and was home more.  He is incredibly awkward with Arlie and she is not comfortable with him.  He never asks about her or tried to have time with her. I fully believe that the reason this all went down is because he did not want Arlie there anymore and my mother didn’t stand up to him.

I want to yell at them.  I want to tell them how hurtful they have been.  But mostly I want them to feel badly for how they act and the lack of a relationship they are going to have with Arlie as a result of their actions.  I don’t have time to take Arlie to them on weekends anymore, and honestly I am not really willing to sacrifice my time with her on the weekends.  I feel the same as I did as a child where I wanted their love and affection, but it just wasn’t ever there.  I feel awful for Arlie because I know what it is like to have grandparents that don’t care about you.  I think the absolute hardest thing for me is that I so badly wanted them to see Arlie and feel about her the same way I do.  It kills me that they don’t.

Arlie is lucky though.  She has two other sets of grandparents that adore her and will do anything they can to show her love.  She won’t be lacking for love, that’s for sure.  I guess this will have to do.


I’m a little bored today so I thought I would throw out some randomness…

On Monday I cut off almost 8 inches of hair.  I was so tired of it being long and in my face and it was SO hot.  Plus it looked dull and limp and kind of gross.  Anyway, I went in with a plan and the girl that cut my hair did a fabulous job.  It is much lighter and less of a mess.  But here’s the real confession.  I told my corworkers that I was going to be late today because I had “training” on a new program that I have very recently been given access to.  In reality, I was actually going to go back to the salon to get my hair colored too.  I have NEVER played hooky like that so this was a big deal in my morality mind.  Well, this morning I hung out with Arlie for an extra hour and then headed over to the salon to get my hair done.  I stopped on the way to get a coffee and texted the hair girl to see if she would like a coffee as well.  She texted back saying that she was headed home because she had a migraine and she needed to reschedule.  I couldn’t help but laugh because this seemed like the universe punishing me for lying about where I was going to be.  The weirdest part was that I was having extra guilt because we can’t really afford an extra expense right now so I was wavering last night about whether or not to go.

So I guess I just wasn’t meant to have my hair done after all.  I wonder what would have happened if I had been able to have it done?  Maybe ended up with orange hair or something…