Ugh. My hair has always been ridiculously thick and annoying. I love it and it’s pretty but there’s just so much of it. While I was pregnant, it grew like crazy and was even thicker than normal. I actually chopped a lot of it off when Arlie was about a week old, which in hindsight was a terrible idea but I was determined to get it out of my face. Anyway, in the last three weeks or so, my poor hair has been falling out like crazy. I’m talking handfuls of hair every time I brush or run my fingers through it. When I shower, it clogs the drain. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda freaked out by how much is falling out. I know this is normal, but jeez, it’s bordering on horrific now. Poor Arlie ends up with my hair all over her and M finds it everywhere. I’m hoping that it will stop soon or at least slow down a little. At this rate I’ll be bald my August.
In other news, I’ve lost 40 of the 50 lbs I put on during pregnancy. I am hoping to get rid of the last 10 in the next few months and it would be nice to possibly get rid of a few more beyond that. I’m not going to change too much as far as my diet goes, but I have started walking a lot more with Arlie and that’s going pretty well. I am a serious foodie so giving up my favorites isn’t going to happen, but we are trying to eat a little healthier. Mainly this means that I am eating salads at lunch and I’m making oatmeal jars for my breakfasts. Really I am faking it though, because the effort is more about easy things to grab in the morning as I rush out the door. Hopefully it will accomplish both things, making my life a little easier and a little healthier.
In Arlie news, she’s just about sitting up completely unassisted. She’s eating boob milk slushies every other night or so (just breast milk in a freezer bowl) and learning to sip from a straw. We’re holding off on solids until 6 months, but a friend suggested the slushies as a good way to get her used to a spoon. Plus the different texture and temperature. She’s found her feet and she loves grabbing them and rolling around. She also babbles and screeches like crazy. She is a very vocal baby. It’s been a really fun couple of weeks with all her new skills. It seems like something new every day. I just can’t get enough of her!
I’ve been meaning to write this post for over a week now, but I am so busy all the time now. My schedule is packed from the minute I get up to the minute I get back in bed. Poor me, right? Yeah right…
Anyway, on May 17th, Lifetime network premiered a movie called “Return to Zero”. I have experienced loss myself as you know, but I also have a number of friends, including my best friend K, that have experienced stillbirths or the death of their children just after birth. I’ve known about the movie for a long time as I have been involved in the loss community for over a year now. I was out of town and staying with my sister and didn’t feel comfortable asking her to watch it with me so I recorded it and watched it when we got home. Which was probably the best idea, because I ended up crying quite a bit and I found it very difficult to watch.
I know that my loss was early and that for some people, that is perceived as less of a loss. That’s fine with me, I truly understand why that would be the feeling of some. There was a line in the movie when the mother of the main character revealed that she had had a miscarriage prior to having her daughter. The main character kind of po-pooed the miscarriage, saying that it wasn’t the same thing and the mother replied that a loss is a loss and it was the loss of the expectations and “what might have been.” This struck me, as this is exactly how I felt afterwards. I’m not sure how much I identified with the loss of a baby, but more so the loss of this future that we would no longer have. A lot of people with rainbow babies say that if their loss hadn’t happened, they wouldn’t have the child they have now. This is also something I can’t really relate to because there were almost 9 months between my first loss and finding out I was pregnant again. Technically, I could have had a slight preemie and still been able to conceive Arlie when I did. The timing would have been very close and unlikely, but the possibility is still there. I would never trade Arlie for anything because she is absolutely my world now, but the loss of the possibility on our other baby still gets to me.
I write this post because I want people to know that the movie exists, and that if you have experienced loss or know someone who has experienced loss, this is a movie to watch. It is hard and it is raw and it is so real, but it is worth it. I can remember sitting in my worst mental state after the loss and not knowing what to do and not having an outlet other than M, and that was extremely hard. I think we owe it to people in our society to watch a movie that creates an opportunity for people to talk about the loss(es) they have experienced. And I feel like I owe it to the amazing friends I made within the loss community. I hate how we met, but I will be eternally grateful for having them in my life and having their support.
On this day last year I found out I was pregnant again.
I had just spent the weekend at the coast with M, my best friend K and her husband, E. K had found out two days prior to us leaving for our trip that she was pregnant and to be completely honest, I was jealous. My period hadn’t really shown up, but I was spotting so I assumed that I was out again. We had a really nice weekend ignoring Mother’s Day and did a couple of things to honor our lost babies. I came home tired but happy and when my period still hadn’t really shown up by Tuesday, I decided to test with one of my cheapies. I literally could not believe it when I saw the second line appear. I started shaking and freaking out and immediately called M at his work. I was hysterical and so so scared. Our last experience with pregnancy was so negative and heartbreaking that I had a very hard time not immediately thinking of that outcome rather than hoping for a better one. I called my sister crying and she was able to calm me down. During that phone call she was so supportive and happy for me, especially because she had gotten pregnant the previous year at the EXACT same time. (Our due dates were 2 days off). I distinctly remember not wanting to call K to tell her because I didn’t want to upset her. The last time we had both been pregnant together, we both lost the pregnancies. She randomly texted me about ten minutes after I found out and asked me if I had tested. I spilled the beans and we both cried some more.
That night I went to my support group and told them I was pregnant. It was such a relief to get it off my chest to a group of women that understood exactly why I was so scared and had so many other emotions. About three weeks later M and I went to the doctor to have an ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat. I don’t remember ever being that nervous before in my life. When the doctor confirmed that there was a heartbeat and showed us the little nugget on the screen, I was elated. M and I both cried with relief and happiness. It was a moment I will never forget.
Two weeks later we went in for our official pregnancy visit and on it went from there. I had a hard time the entire pregnancy believing that we would actually get to meet Arlie and now she is here and we are both so incredibly happy.
Its amazing what a difference a year can make.