I don’t really feel like I can write a cohesive post right now, so I thought I would just write some of the random things I have been feeling or experiencing. It seems easier to accomplish right now.
I read another persons blog post about her birth, and it made me think more about my own experience. I think that getting an epidural was my only real choice. I probably could have lasted until the end without it, but I would have been too exhausted to enjoy the puching phase. I remember that as being one of the most wonderfully fulfilling time periods in my entire life. Watching Arlie slowly emerge and being able to really enjoy it and be present in the moment was something that I will never regret. Yes, I wish I could have been stronger and maybe I could have, but if it meant losing that experience and not having the memories I have, I wouldn’t have really gained anything.
Breastfeeding is wonderful and also like a jail sentence. It’s fucking hard to balance life with the knowledge that a person is relying solely on me to keep her alive via sustenance. I love how she stares at me while she eats and I feel like a powerful person being able to feed her But I am not going to lie, when she has eaten 6 times in one night, I just want a break from it. Last night M fed her a bottle of breastmilk for the first time (this was an experiment to see if she would take a bottle as I am headed back to work in a few weeks. I cried when she took it. Partly because watching M feed her made me incredibly happy, and partly because it means she is going to be away from me and that breaks my heart.
I honestly don’t know if I can go back to work. I am trying to think of any solution I can to avoid going back and I think I have a solution that would put me back only at half time. However, even though I know she will be with my mom and it will be ok, I just can’t handle the thought of dropping her off and being away from her for 8 hours. Or even 2 hours. I took a three hour nap on Saturday and that was honestly the longest I have been away from her since she was born.
My MIL is killing me. She lives 2 hours away and keeps trying to come over during the week. She is a nice person and I appreciate her wanting to see Arlie and spend time with her, but I can’t handle how much she annoys me when she is here. Arlie eats often, probably every 1.5 hours to 3 hours. I can tell when she is crying/fussing because she needs food, and in these circumstances, my MIL will continue to hold Arlie, even though she clearly wants me. I finally had to have a conversation with M to let him know he needs to step in and take Arlie so I can feed her and we can both be happy. I also told M he needed to tell her that weekday visits are not going to happen. I just can’t handle it.
I recently bought a book called The Wonder Weeks. It has honestly changed my life. It is a book that outlines the weeks in a baby’s development that are big. Not growth spurts, but weeks where babies are learning new skills and how that affects their overall demeanor and personality. Arlie was having a rough time last week and nothing I was doing seemed to help her. Reading the first chapter of the book and realizing that she was in a wonder week helped me figure out ways to help her without losing my sanity. Honestly, it helped me more than her. I was glad to find something that could help me see logic when she was losing her shit.
Arlie is amazing. She’s beautiful and funny and shes starting to smile and laugh. She loves me. She looks at me and I can see that she knows who I am and she WANTS me. Its crazy fulfilling and it makes me love her even more. She is so strong and serious and so determined. I am lucky to have a girl who is already showing shes tough and strong. It makes me even more excited for the next few months. Shes perfect. Just perfect.