It’s a….

Girl!  I am so shocked and excited and happy.  And terrified.  I guess all my intuition was waay off!  Everything else on the scan looked good and I will go over the results at my appointment in a week or so.  Gahhh, a GIRL!!


19 Weeks

After complaining last week about how slow this was going, it has seemed like this week has been going ridiculously fast.  I only have one more day to wait before we see the little bubs again.  I’m not going to lie, I am seriously excited and so nervous too, but also kind of calm.  I have been thinking of this appointment as a marker to help me relax a little more.  My anxiety has been relatively high lately and even though I’m kind of scared that something will be wrong tomorrow, I am mostly just so excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  I honestly feel like knowing this will help me bond more with the baby.  Feeling all the movements are nice, but being able go give the baby a name and buy cute stuff in a gender specific style is what I have waited so long for.

And while I am near this topic, names have been decided.  We have a name picked out for a girl or a boy and it is a process!  There are a lot of names that I love and M hates and vice versa.  Plus, there are all the names that one of us associate with a person we have bad memories of.  We have decided not to tell our families until around Christmas time by sending out our annual Christmas card from the dogs and the little bubs.  By that time we will be about a month and a half away from bubs being here, so our families can bugger off if they don’t like the name we chose.  I don’t actually anticipate any pushback, but you never know with our families.  My sister kept my nephew’s name a semi secret until about a month before she gave birth and she chose the most wonderful name.  He completely fits the name she chose.  I’m hoping that it will work out the same for us.

How far along? 19 weeks and 3 days.
Total weight gain: Still down about a pound from before, bringing my total weight gain to 7 lbs.  I think I’m doing pretty good.
Maternity clothes? Definitely.  I’m actually going shopping tomorrow and hopefully I can find a pair of jeans that actually fits and are comfortable.  And maybe some work pants.  Dresses are getting old quickly.
Stretch marks? Just the awful ones on my thighs.  I honestly wouldn’t mind a few on my stomach, but my thighs are already a low point of my body.
Sleep: When I’m asleep it’s great.  Its the time I spend in the middle of the night staring at my ceiling that is not so great.  Also, sleeping on my back is getting increasingly uncomfortable.  I wake up in pain, so I guess it is time to start the pillow plan.
Best moment this week: Getting some good hard kicks.  They are random, but man, this kid can kick!  And having my stomach pop out again.  It was not gradual at all, but rather happened over a period of two hours.  I left for work one size and came back home another.
Miss Anything? Honestly I kind of miss exercising.  I’ve never been a hard core exerciser, but M and I used to go on walks all the time.  I have such a hard time getting enough energy to go for a walk that they have been sporadic at best.  My dogs are losing their minds.
Movement: Lots.  Bubs is very active in the morning, after meals and at night.
Food cravings: I want chicken soup with dumplings.  The rest of it is getting boring. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Water is still a battle.  And chicken remains my enemy.
Have you started to show yet? Yes!
Gender: We will know tomorrow!!!
Symptoms: Stuffy nose and nosebleeds.  Fatigue.  Starting to have more heartburn these days too.
Belly Button in or out? It is getting more shallow by the day.  I would guess that in a few weeks I will be at the flat stage and onto the outie stage not too long after that.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Mostly happy.  I am having more movement and that makes me so joyous.  I love feeling bubs move and it is a really nice reassurance that he/she is ok.  I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months and my favorite time of year is right around the corner.  Oh Fall….
Looking forward to: Tomorrow!!!  I cannot wait to find out if this is a boy or a girl.  I honestly don’t think I have ever been this excited about anything in my life.  My mom is taking me shopping after the appointment to buy a bunch of baby clothes.  Also, tomorrow is my two year anniversary with M and we are taking a trip to the coast.  It is also his birthday this weekend, so we should have a pretty good time.  I’m going to be busy the next few days!

The Waiting Game

It seems like most of pregnancy is a hurry up and wait game.  You wait for two weeks to ovulate, then two more weeks to find out if you are pregnant.  Then there is the dreaded wait until you reach 12 weeks.  And then another LONG wait to find out the gender (if that’s the route you are going).  Another 4 week wait after that for V-day and it just keeps going after that.

I am incredibly impatient.  Worse than a 5 year old waiting for Christmas.  This last 5 week wait to find out the gender has been so slow!  In reality, it has actually gone by quite quickly, but now towards the end, I am so so tired of waiting.  I just want to see the baby and find out what we are having!  I realize that Friday is not so far away and I like having something to look forward to, but dang it, I want to know already!  The worst part about this wait is knowing that I am also going on vacation right after the scan and I’ve needed time off from work so badly lately.  It’s like a two-for one impatience!

I find my impatience affects my ability to tolerate people.  I just want people to leave me alone for awhile.  I am so tired of hearing how awful it is going to be once the baby gets here and how tired I am going to be.  I realize what I am getting into and these comments are hurtful and so annoying.  I have waited a long time for this baby and I went through a lot in the last year and nobody can tell me how awful it is going to be when all I can think about is how amazing it is going to be.  Sure, there will be incredibly hard things and things that are frustrating and sad.  But for me, this is an incredible blessing and I could not be more excited.

Beyond the naysayers and Debbie Downers are the people that say things without thinking at all.  Like how worried they are for me or how their friend’s aunt’s sister’s neighbor lost a baby at such and such weeks.  I have enough fear and stress going through me at any given time that I do NOT need extra from anyone or anywhere else.  It makes me so much more aware of what i have said or will say to a pregnant person in the future.  And how I will deal with my own child trying to get pregnant or becoming pregnant. 

Clearly my pregnant lady hormones are in full swing.  I think it might be safer for everyone if I just lock myself in my house until January.  I’m sure some people around me would agree. 🙂

So now I sit and wait and fantasize about what this little person is going to look like and act like.  And what their preferences are going to be.  Mostly I sit and think about how excited I am to meet them.  And how incredibly excited I am for my old man dog to meet them.  He has been my baby for my whole adult life up until now and I just can’t wait to see him bond with the baby too.  I actually have two basset hounds and I think the older one will be a great companion for the baby.  The younger dog will probably not be able to control her excitement.ImageImage 

Enough for now.  I’ll probably be posting daily this week.  Otherwise I will lose my sh** with impatience. 🙂

18 Weeks

Ugh, this week has been dragging on like crazy.  I am so ready for it to be next week so I can spend all of my time being excited about FRIDAY and our anatomy scan.  I seriously can’t wait and I am one of the most impatient people on the planet, so this has been excruciating.  I have been trying to distract myself with other things, but I’m just not good at that.

To add to my week seeming to drag on, I managed to get sick this week.  I have been an IBS sufferer for the last 15 years and I was prepared for it to be worse during pregnancy, but up until this point, it hadn’t been terrible.  I was having a relatively easy time with the IBS, only a few flare ups and not much pain associated with them.  However, on Wednesday I started feeling really weird and I knew something was up.  I ended up going home early and that night had one of the worst attacks I have ever experienced.  It was so scary and uncomfortable.  It turns out, I likely got food poisoning and that combined with my IBS was a recipe for disaster.  I spent all of Thursday on the couch trying to drink as much water as possible to combat the dehydration.  I feel ok today, but man, that sucked big time.  The other crappy part now is that I was planning on going to a wedding tomorrow, but I just don’t think I can make it now.  I’m too tired to drive two hours both ways and to be social for that long.  A weekend on the couch sounds awesome to me though, so it’s not all bad.

How far along? 18 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain: I believe between last week and my illness this week, I am down 3 pounds.
Maternity clothes? Heck yes.  I am really only comfortable in my maternity jeans or athletic shorts and my bump is starting to make my normal clothes look pretty stretched out.
Stretch marks? Gah!!  Yes.  Only a few on my actual stomach, but SO many on my upper thighs.  I was definitely not expecting this, and it is very unpleasant.
Sleep: Some nights good, some nights not so good.  I find myself sleeping on my back a lot which I know is probably not the best move.  I am relatively comfortable still on my sides, but I just prefer my back.  It might be time for a pillow.
Best moment this week: I felt the baby kick and have been every day since.  I have a strangely long torso so I can feel exactly where the baby is laying most of the time and M could kind of feel some of the kicks this week.  It is the best thing in the world to get the reassurance from the little bubs.
Miss Anything? Right now I miss eating food of any kind.  Food in general is making me sick, so I would love to have a break from that.
Movement: Yes!!  Real kicks this week.
Food cravings: Despite my stomach issues, I am still craving ice cream and sweets.  This is really the first time during this pregnancy that I have really been wanting sweets.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything.  Water.  All things that have a strong smell.
Have you started to show yet? Yes definitely.
Gender: I’ve thought the whole time so far that this is a boy.  Now that we are only a week away, I am losing my confidence.  We will see.
Symptoms: Headaches, nosebleeds, nausea.
Belly Button in or out? Getting shallower by the day.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty happy despite feeling like crap.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender and seeing our little bubs again.  The last time we saw him/her, it was at 9.5 weeks and it honestly just looked like a blob on the screen.  I’m excited to see recognizable body parts.  I’m so excited!


17 Weeks

This week has been ups and downs so far.  I  had a scary weekend with a little spotting, but Monday morning we had a doctor’s appointment and all was well.  I am going to a group of doctors and midwives rather than just one primary doctor.  They like for you to see all the midwives as you progress, so on Monday we saw one that we hadn’t yet.  And let me tell you….  She was amazing!  I was pretty freaked out because of the spotting and I definitely needed reassurance.  She was so calm and sweet and nice and I never once felt stupid for being scared.  She actually went as far as to talk to me about our next appointment (anatomy scan!!) and how it can be a bit unnerving for first time parents because they spend a lot of time focusing on specific parts of the baby.  Basically she didn’t want me to be scared if they were spending a lot of time on one area.  She also talked to me a little about my anxiety and how to try to calm that down.  I’ve decided to go back to a counselor for a while because I don’t really think the excessive worrying is helping anyone.  I really hope that when I go into labor, that is the midwife that is on duty.  I need someone like her that isn’t judgmental or rude when I am feeling down.  It’s nice to feel like this person has my back and is actually listening to my concerns, rather than brushing me off.

I am slowly trying to let go of all the fear and just enjoy being pregnant.  Even writing this makes me a little anxious, and I can’t completely shake the fear.  I’m just trying to go forward each day and see what tomorrow brings.  It is really starting to hit me that there is a living human inside of me.  It kind of blows my mind.  I still can’t fully grasp it and there is a weird disconnect with reality because I just can’t completely wrap my head around the baby being real.  I think the anatomy scan will greatly help this feeling.  I need to see the baby again and bond with it even more as a boy or a girl.  As my boy or girl.  So weird.

How far along? 17 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain: Gah!  7 lbs because I actually lost a pound from the last time I got weighed.  Not sure what happened there, other than my IBS acting up lately.
Maternity clothes? Yes.  I have two pairs of maternity jeans that I much prefer over my regular clothes.  I bought a few tops as well but I don’t fit into them yet.  Mostly sticking with dresses and jeans with loose tops.
Stretch marks? A couple of tiny ones.  I’m not sure if I will really get any.  My mom didn’t and my sister didn’t either.
Sleep: I’m honestly more tired now than I was during the first trimester.  I want to sleep all the time.  I have also been sleeping really well, with the exception of one night this week where I was up from 3 am to 5 am.
Best moment this week: Hearing the bubs hearbeat again.  And signing up for our Lamaze classes.  That was a huge step for me to make it even more real.
Miss Anything? Not really.  I am pretty content right now.
Movement: Lots more.  Lots of fluttering and swishing.  And I am pretty certain that I have felt two solid kicks in the last couple of days.  I can’t wait for more.
Food cravings: I’m digging cheese lately.  But I would really like a nice bloody steak.
Anything making you queasy or sick: A lot of things are tasting different than they used to and that is throwing me off.  Things I used to love now taste kind of gross or off.
Have you started to show yet? Definitely.
Gender: I’m still thinking boy, but I am less sure by the day.
Symptoms: Movement, stuffy noses, fatigue.
Belly Button in or out? Still in but getting more and more shallow by the day.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy.  I’m definitely feeling the anxiety, but I am also so amazed by the baby and the fact that he/she is quickly growing in there.
Looking forward to: Only two more weeks until we find out what the gender is.  It is seriously dragging on and I want to speed it up.  I am also going to a large consignment baby cloths sale tomorrow evening and that’s pretty exciting.  I also looking forward to reaching 20 weeks.  SO close….

16 Weeks

I’m halfway through my fourth month of pregnancy.  Really, I only have a week to go and that is super exciting.  I am also starting to feel better for longer periods of time.  I am mostly referring to my panic and worry attacks being further apart when they happen.  They are still there, but it is different now because I am almost to the point where I will start to feel movement more regularly and that will be the best reassurance.  I went shopping today and bought 5 pairs of maternity jeans from a local consignment shop.  I’ve been struggling this past two weeks because I know I need new pants, but I have this weird feeling about buying the maternity jeans.  Tops are different and I feel fine about them, but for some reason, buying jeans or bottoms has been incredibly intimidating.  I think it has something to do with the sizes I am having to look at.  I am not a tiny girl on the bottom to begin with and add on the extra baby stuff going on and we have a bit of a situation going on.  I sincerely hope that I am able to lose the weight afterwards.  Its kind of a huge fear of mine at this point.

How far along? 16 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain: I think I’m sitting around 7-8 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Just got jeans and ordered some stuff online this week.  I will be relieved to have more comfortable clothes to wear.
Stretch marks? I don’t think so. 
Sleep: I have been sleeping hard lately.  I generally have a little trouble falling alseep, but once I am asleep, I’m out.  With the exception of getting up 4-5 times during the night to pee, I am sleeping much better than I had in the last few weeks.
Best moment this week: We ordered and received a bunch of baby related stuff.  It’s so exciting to see the room get more stuff in it. 
Miss Anything? Sometimes I miss beer, but mostly I miss sushi and carpaccio.  I’ve asked Matt to bring me oysters and carpaccio to the hospital.
Movement: On and off.  I probably feel him/her at least once a day and sometimes it is more than that.  The best is when I need reassurance and he/she moves at that point.
Food cravings: Still hooked on beef and cheese.  My parents make spicy pickles and I’ve already gone through a jar and am into the second one.  I love salty and spicy things right now too.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I still really can’t stand chicken.  Otherwise almost everything else sounds pretty good to me.
Have you started to show yet? I have definitely popped out a bit this week.  On Monday, my uterus was so sore and uncomfortable and then Tuesday morning, my stomach was completely different.  I could tell immediately that I had had a little growth spurt.
Gender: Still thinking boy, but had a dream that it was a girl.  Happy either way!  Only 3 weeks until we find out.
Symptoms: I’m pretty tired most of the time and I’m still dealing with runny nose problems.  Otherwise, I feel pretty good.  Definitely growing out front. 🙂
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but definitely moving.
Wedding rings on or off? On.  I’ll be surprised if this changes.  My ring is quite large.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Mostly happy, but my tolerance is waning quickly.  People are so annoying!  Happy when I think about the baby.
Looking forward to: Appointment on Monday morning and only 3 weeks until we find out the gender.  I can’t wait for that!

Back Again

Gahhh!  I can’t seem to lose the fear and the worry.  Even when I have a good news, I can only hold onto that for a short amount of time.  I’m 16 weeks exactly today and my uterus hurts.  It is clearly stretching and moving, but man, it is uncomfortable.  And it scares me.  I want to live outside the OB’s office so I can go in whenever I start to freak out.  As it is right now I went to the doctor with me last week to check to see if I had an infection.  Everything was fine, heard the heartbeat and felt better for about a day.  After that, it was a complete melt down.  I know where it is all coming from and I hate that I don’t have any control over it.  Losing a pregnancy is awful and it sucks the fun right out of a subsequent pregnancy.  I want to just let go and be in the moment of being pregnant, but mentally I just cannot get there.  I’m exhausted.  My brain is a real a-hole with all its thinking and worrying and freaking out.  Can’t we both just agree to be ok?

15 Weeks

I have to be honest…. these weeks are dragging on.  I just want to fast forward to 17 weeks.  My body is changing quickly and I am more tired now than I expected to be.  I just want to lay down most of the time, but that is just not an option.  I can see my stomach popping out more these days, although I think it is mostly more noticeable to me than to others.  My co-worker told me that I don’t look that pregnant and I look really healthy.  So that was nice.  But again with the honesty, I just want a big bump.  I want it to stop looking like I’ve eaten one too many fatty meals and more like I am actually pregnant.  My pants are still fitting but I am fearful of the duration of that being the case anymore.  I have to unbutton the top button when I sit down and they just aren’t as comfortable any more.  I know I should probably buy maternity pants, but I am kind of scared to do it.  I can’t really explain why.  I guess I still have the fear in me that something will go wrong so I have a hard time going forward at 100%.  I wish I could get there.  Someone actually emailed me yesterday and told me that they had been worrying about me for two weeks.  I asked if it was bad news, and she responded by saying she wasn’t sure.  Seriously?!?  Are you kidding me?!?  I did not need added stress and worry.  I have that covered, thank you.

How far along? 15 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain: 7 lbs.  I’m not sure if I believe this completely because yesterday the nurse told me that the scale was being a bit weird.
Maternity clothes? Some tops and dresses, probably need to buy pants this weekend.
Stretch marks? I’m really not sure on this one.  I can see way more veins and there seems to be some purply marks starting to appear on one of my sides.  I’m not too worried, but I’ve started using a vitamin E lotion at night.  Hopefully this will combat it a bit.  I actually wouldn’t mind stretch marks.  I know I’m weird, but I really truly want a reminder of carrying this baby.
Sleep: On and off good and bad.  I have a hard time getting comfortable and I am definitely in need of a good pillow to cuddle with.  Plus, I am so hot all the time.  I can’t wait for cooler weather.
Best moment this week: I got to hear the heartbeat again this week.  My doctor’s and midwives are amazing.  And realizing how close certain milestones are…
Miss Anything? I miss deep sleep without scary dreams.  And I miss clothes that fit.  Otherwise, I’m pretty good.
Movement: Intermittent.  I can feel bubbling or popping and sometimes some vibrations.  Still waiting for a solid holy crap movement to happen.
Food cravings: I want pie so badly.  I can’t really eat pie because of all the sugar in it, but it sounds so good.  I also am still on a protein kick.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken is so disgusting.  I hate it so much right now.
Have you started to show yet? Yes, still waiting for a better bump though.
Gender: I’m still thinking boy.  I think I am setting myself up for a little bit of gender disappointment if this ends up being a girl.  I just can’t fathom that it is a girl.
Symptoms: Round ligament pain, some small movements, back aches, stuffy nose and headaches.  Plus I have to eat every two hours or I start to feel pretty sick.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but changing.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: A little of both.  I am happy when I am doing baby stuff or thinking about the baby or talking to the baby.  But outside of that I kind of want to hurt people.  I am just so tired of stupid comments and people being dumb in general. 
Looking forward to: Only a week and three days until the next appointment and only 4 weeks until the anatomy scan.  Excited for both.

I’m thinking about posting a photo in the next couple of days…  I have to get brave and also talk M into taking a good one for me…  Maybe…