14 Weeks

I’m officially in the second trimester.  I was counting myself in the second trimester last week, but according to half of the sites I have been visiting, 14 weeks is the start.  The other half said 13 weeks.  Either way, I’m a third of the way there.  I’m in a very strange in between stage of the pregnancy.  I’m no longer feeling sick and I’ve only felt movement once so I’m in this weird phase where I actually feel pretty normal.  It’s a little disconcerting.  I preferred the sickness because it was a tangible reminder that I am pregnant.  I just want to speed everything up now.  Mostly I want to feel more movement so I can have a reminder that the baby is ok in there.

How far along? 14 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: I’m honestly not sure.  I don’t weigh myself outside of the doctor’s office, so its a mystery.
Maternity clothes?I’ve been mixing in maternity clothes with my regular clothes.  I only have one pair of pants right now that still fit ok, so that is limiting my wardrobe.  Still loving the dresses.
Stretch marks? None yet.
Sleep: I am sleeping ok.  Not great, I have been waking up a lot and I’m having a hard time getting comfortable.  My back and my hips hurt during the night and I think it is time for me to start sleeping with a variety of pillows. 
Best moment this week: Someone I love just found out they are pregnant.  It just makes my heart sing.
Miss Anything? Bread.  I dream about bread. 
Movement: Just once.  It felt like a ball rolling over in my uterus.  It surprised me and I was amazed afterwards.  I can’t wait for more.
Food cravings: I’m still on a meat and green vegetable kick.  But I would kill for some pie.  Any kind, really.  Yum.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fried food.  Just the grease smell right now.  And hot foods.  This is probably more of a reaction to the heat rather than the pregnancy.
Have you started to show yet? Yes.  Definitely have a bump.
Gender: I’m still feeling boy….
Symptoms: Trouble sleeping.  And my nose is completely stuffed all the time.  I’m getting nosebleeds because of it.  The only other symptom is round ligament pain.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but its definitely changing.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy.  Still experiencing some ups and downs, but mostly happy.  I find myself getting frustrated with more stuff but also feeling crazy happy about other stuff.
Looking forward to:   Feeling more movement.  And the upcoming appointments.  Especially the 20 week gender scan.  Only 5 weeks and 1 day to go.

Until next time…

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Something’s Changing

This weekend, I finally realized something.  Up until now, I have spent a large portion of my life focusing on work.  It took a majority of my time, sometimes even at home.  I threw myself into my work and I liked doing so.  It was good for me to have something to have a passion for and something that gave me some purpose.  Work has always been something very important to me.  I work hard, I try to be the best at what I do.  And for the most part, it has been rewarding to put so much of myself into my work.  When I got married, my commitment to work lessened a bit, but not a lot.  I was still very into my work, although it had taken a slight back seat to my husband and my marriage.

Over the weekend, I was working my second job and something just shifted within me.  Work is quickly becoming a much lower priority for me.  I still (for the most part) enjoy what I do, but my life has seriously become about my family.  It is such a strange transition from me and M and our dogs, to us and a living breathing baby.  It overwhelms me sometimes to think about the enormous change that is headed our way.  I am beyond excited to accept this change and I am so ready for it.  My life is going to revolve around my baby and my family and I am so ready for that.  Work has become something that I see as necessary, but not in my top priorities.  I feel free from the pressure and I feel like I can approach work in a completely different way now. 

I think with all this internal change happening, my mind is starting to freak out a little bit and I am starting to have dreams/nightmares about my life.  The most recent one was that I had the baby at 17 1/2 weeks, and the baby lived.  But for some reason, I had been gone or out of it for so long that I didn’t know how to take care of him (yes, it was a boy in the dream!) and my mother had to show me how to do everything.  The baby was so fragile that if you wiped his skin, it would just peel off.  The dream left me in a panic.  I couldn’t shake the bad feeling it gave me and I think that I was projecting a lot of fears that I have right now into my dreams.  My biggest fear right now is losing the baby before viability.  I am terrified of that.  Even though everything is progressing well, the fear hasn’t really subsided significantly.  I’m not sure that it really will until I have passed the point of viability.  And I know that subconsciously, I am very concerned with my ability to take care of the baby.  I feel relatively confident in myself, but I think that under the confidence is a layer of fear again.  I’m fairly certain this particular fear is being squashed right now because my other fears and worries are taking priority in my mind.  I can focus on the tangible threat of losing the baby, but I am just not to the point about worrying about taking care of the baby because I am still not past the point of worrying about the baby not making it. 

I wish almost every single day that I had not experienced a miscarriage.  It has stunted my ability to believe in my body and what it is capable of.  It has taken away some of the joy in being pregnant and replaced it with fear and worry.  I am angry that it can’t be a more carefree time for me and I worry that I am missing out on the pregnancy experience.

The other night I told M that I really enjoy being pregnant.  Sure, I felt sick for about 8 weeks straight (the difference now being in the second trimester is remarkable), but I am absolutely in awe at the fact that there is a live human growing inside of me.  The reality of this becomes more apparent with each passing day and each expansion of my middle section.  It is all so spectacular and amazing and it literally blows my mind at times.  I just can’t wait for what is to come.  I am so looking forward to having the big bump and even more so to feeling movement.  And to meeting the little bubs.  I just can’t wait.

13 Weeks

Yesterday we had our “12” week appointment.  I was expecting another ultrasound, but it turned out to be just the doppler, which was fine with me.  If I had wanted an ultrasound, I would have had to specifically ask for the NT scan (which I thought I had early on, but apparently not).  The midwife we met with yesterday was one we had previously had an appointment with and I was a bit hesitant because I didn’t get the greatest vibe from her the last time.  But she was really great yesterday and I’m glad that we had that appointment with her or I probably would have avoided her for the rest of the pregnancy.

She talked to us about the next few weeks and what to expect and went over my blood work.  Everything was normal, but my glucose levels were slightly higher than expected so she has me on a low carb and high protein diet.  I’m kind of at a loss as to what I should be eating, but I’ll figure it out.  Once she was done going over my blood work, she got out the doppler and we got to her the little bubs again.  S/he didn’t like the noise and kept moving away from the sound, which made me smile.  I already love this little one so much and I am so excited go forward.  The midwife said I can expect to feel movement in the next couple of months so that my new thing to look forward to.  We also scheduled our 20 week anatomy scan.  Very excited for that.

How far along? 13 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: 5 lbs.  Still pretty proud of myself.  The midwife seemed to be pleased as well, so that’s always reassuring.
Maternity clothes? I just got a HUGE bag of maternity clothes from my sister this morning.  I am super excited to have new stuff to wear as I have been living in dresses and athletic shorts.
Stretch marks? None yet.
Sleep: Not so good.  I’m exhausted when I lay down at night but I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep  Plus I am so stinking hot all the time.
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again and having the little bubs move away from the doppler.  It just made him/her seem so real.
Miss Anything? Bread and Cereal.  And beer and margaritas.  We used to hit happy hour quite a bit during the summers, but thats not as fun anymore . 🙂
Movement: Not yet, but I am so excited to have it happen.
Food cravings: I could literally eat beef all day.  I want steak all the time and I day dream about ground beef and hamburgers.  I also am in love with cheese.  Pretty much any kind that is allowed.  And spinach!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken.  And water is still a bit of an enemy.  I force myself to drink water, but it just isn’t what I really want.
Have you started to show yet? Yep, I have a cute little bump and I can see my uterus creeping up my lower abdomen.  Its crazy.
Gender: Still thinking boy…. I have to remind myself to type her/him or he/she instead of just typing him.
Labor Signs: None thank goodness….  I’m seriously considering removing this until I get to about 35 weeks.
Symptoms: I have more energy this week and I don’t feel so sluggish.  I have been having more round ligament pain and if I sneeze or move too quickly, I pay for it.  I also still have the weird pain in my back, but its definitely better than it has been.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but it is changing.  I am a super nerd and I am so excited to be able to thoroughly clean my belly button as it has always been a battle for me.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I’d say happy.  I’m more excited now.  I wish I could fast forward but also have it go at the normal pace.
Looking forward to: The next appointment in a month and the anatomy scan at the end of August.  I think movement and the anatomy scan will make it seem so much more real.

Until next time…

12 Weeks

We made it to 12 weeks!  This is pretty exciting and it also gave me some relief from the constant worry.  I know something could still happen but this is the big milestone that doctors always refer to when you are pregnant.  I still have some weird fear about telling people, even though this is the time that you would normally tell people.  It just the quick shot of fear that I might have to go back later and tell them something else.  I think after our ultrasound coming up on Tuesday I will feel a little better about telling people.  I’ve actually made that the official “telling people” day.  There are quite a few people in our lives that don’t know and it will be fun to spread the news.

How far along?  12 weeks 3 days                                                                                      Total weight gain: My guess is somewhere close to 5 pounds.  I’ll know for sure on Tuesday.
Maternity clothes? I bought a ton of dresses.  It is so hot here right now and dresses are so nice because they hide the bump a little and I can have a little more air flow, which is awesome.  Plus, they are just so much more comfortable than pants.  My sister is sending me some of her maternity clothes so that will be nice too.
Stretch marks? Nope, but varicose veins EVERYWHERE.
Sleep: Better.  I’m not quite as tired every day, although I do still love my naps.  Its getting hard to find a position that doesn’t hurt my hips.  I already had some hip problems, but this is definitely aggravating it.
Best moment this week: We put together the crib we bought last week.  It is way bigger than I was expecting, but it is beautiful.  We also got some blankets and fun other stuff.  I finally feel like we can start doing some serious shopping.
Miss Anything? Deli mean, oysters, salami, hot dogs.  I’m hungry all.the.time.
Movement: Not yet.
Food cravings: Creamed spinach, beef, milk.  I also want donuts but I’ve never really been a fan of donuts so I’m not sure I will actually enjoy one if I give into this craving.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not eating often enough, people’s perfume, chicken, any fish smells.
Have you started to show yet? Yes!  Definitely a noticeable bump.
Gender: Won’t know for at least a month.  I still think its a boy, although there are days when I think girl.
Labor Signs: No, thank goodness.
Symptoms: Still getting queasy when I don’t eat often enough, calf cramps and round ligament pain.  I also have been dealing with a back issue for over a week now.  It’s going to stick around for the rest of this pregnancy, so I’m just going to have to suck it up.
Belly Button in or out? Definitely in.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty Happy.  Buying baby things and realizing that this is going to happen now is so uplifting and exciting.
Looking forward to: Tuesday and the 13 week ultrasound.  I’m excited to see the difference in size since our last ultrasound and I’m excited to see him/her looking more like a baby.

I’ll update on Tuesday, maybe with a picture. 🙂

It’s Back

I think I’ll do my 12 week post tomorrow, or later today, but for now I want to talk a little bit about my day yesterday.  I am a member of a pregnancy loss and infant loss support group.  I have benefited greatly from this group in many ways and I am forever grateful for finding a group that I could be totally honest and raw with.  I’ve spent hours with ladies that supported me and told me their stories and it felt right.  Last night we had a meeting and something has changed for me.  In no way am I saying that the members of the group had anything to do with my change, but rather, I have changed and I no longer feel as comfortable.  I love these ladies and I respect their grief and their path, but my path is going in a seriously different direction right now and I feel uncomfortable participating in a group where so much of the conversation in around infant death.  I am 12 weeks 2 days pregnant and I just plain can not handle the talk about stillbirths, infant death and pregnancy loss.  I thought I would appreciate the atmosphere and I would be able to release some of my fear to the group and have them respond to me in a way that was helpful.  What actually occurred was an overwhelming feeling that I was no loner a fit with this group.  I am trying to stay positive with this pregnancy, as much as possible behind the fear.  I know what can happen and in fact, I am hyper aware of the reality of the preciousness of pregnancy.  But I think putting myself in a situation where people are talking so much about death is not really what I need to hear right now.

Beyond the death talk, I also feel a little left out or like my feeling are less valid because I suffered an early loss rather than an infant loss or stillbirth.  And that is a hard feeling to deal with.  I cried on my drive home because I hadn’t let myself consider the possibility that despite me making it to the 12 week mark and my risk dropping significantly, there is still the possibility of something happening to this baby.  I also honestly hadn’t thought as much about the loss recently as my focus has primarily been on the health and well being of this baby.  As it should be.  I sometimes tell myself, you’ve suffered and that was your hardship, but it won’t happen again.  I know that this is not the truth and something could happen again, but I think it is better for me to stay in my bubble of more positive thinking instead of willingly immersing myself in talk that ultimately makes me panic.  I want to look forward now.  I want to buy things for this baby and let myself dream about what our life is going to be like when he/she gets here.  The last thing I want right now is to worry incessantly about what can happen now.  For one, I want to enjoy as much of this pregnancy as I can.  I want to have the experience that will never forget and look back on and be happy with.  And for two, I don’t want to put that kind of mojo on this baby.  I don’t want him or her to feel any negativity from me anymore.  I want the baby to feel my hope and my excitement and most of all, I want this baby to feel like I know I will meet him or her in January.

My life has changed immensely in the last year.  I can no longer pretend that I haven’t met death.  I can no longer pretend that pregnancy is a blissful experience with no problems.  Fear is a constant enemy of mine.  And no matter how much I want something and how much I hope and dream for it, it can only happen in the time it was meant to happen.  I feel so strongly that this baby is meant to be the one I get to meet and watch them grow up.  I know how I felt about the loss and how I feel about it now.  I know that I will feel grief for the rest of my life.  But at some point, I’ve let hope and happiness take a step around that grief and I feel better for it.

11 Weeks

This week was harder than I expected it to be.  Last Friday I started having some pretty intense twinges and pulling, and I freaked out.  To add to my panic, my back went crazy on one side.  It is painful and scary and really not anything I was prepared for.  I spent the weekend worrying and fretting, so I called the doctor on Tuesday and they had me do a urine test to see if I had a bladder infection.  My tests came back clean, so the nicest and most wonderful nurse in the world (she has been with me on multiple appointments, including all the terrible ones from last year) got me in for a quick check because she knew I was freaking out.  The midwife we met with was also amazing and sweet and didn’t make me feel stupid for being there.  She found the heartbeat quickly and let us listen for more than a few minutes.  She said the heart rate was perfect and it was the biggest relief I have felt in a while.  Once we were done with the heartbeat check, she prodded my back a little and came to the conclusion that my front twinges are round ligament pain, and my back pain is due to the muscles stretching and putting pressure on my broken tailbone.  I broke it when I was 20 and tailbones never really heal when you break them.  She basically said that the pain would last for a majority of the pregnancy.  I feel fine with that diagnosis, mostly because I would do ANYTHING to have this baby get here safe and sound in January, even if it means sitting on a donut for the next six months.

With the good news this week that everything is ok with the bubs, I started to actually feel some real genuine hope.  M definitely gave me some crap for worrying so much, but he has a totally different perspective of this pregnancy.  Sometimes I am jealous of him being able to be so relaxed about it.  He doesn’t physically feel the weirdness or the worrisome things, so I think it is easier for him to be relaxed.  In a sense, hes done his part and now its time for him to wait.  He’s been pretty awesome with the backrubs though, which I am so grateful for.  Sometimes I’ll just be standing in the kitchen and he comes up behind me to give me a quick rub.  As far as husbands go, I scored big time with him. 🙂

How far along? 11 weeks 4 days                                                                                                  Total weight gain: I’m up three pounds total.  My midwife seemed fine with this as I am right on target for what normal weight gain would be for the first trimester.
Maternity clothes? Nope.  Dresses are my new best friend.  So are athletic shorts.  With elastic waistbands.  Heaven.
Stretch marks? No, but I’ve got some sweet varicose veins going on.
Sleep: I’m sleeping better this week.  I crash pretty hard and I’m waking up closer to my alarm.  I do keep waking up in the middle of the night for a half hour or so, but that hasn’t been too bad.
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again.  And realizing that I am just 2 days away from second trimester.
Miss Anything? I would have liked to have a beer this week, but it is a very small sacrifice to have the bubs safe and sound.
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: I’m all about beef right now.  And milk.  And V-8 juice, which I normally think is the grossest thing on earth, but I LOVE now.  And spinach, specifically creamed spinach.
Anything making you queasy or sick:  The smell of my husbands new soap.  Yuck!  And honestly, the smell of a lot of people I am around daily.  
Gender: I’m still thinking boy.  I am going to be shocked if this is a girl.
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: Still feeling tired and sometimes queasy.  My nausea has actually been a bit worse this week and it lingers most of the day.  And the back pain and round ligament pain.  Both annoying and awesome at the same time.
Belly Button in or out? IN
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy.  Starting to relax a bit.                             Looking forward to: Buying a crib.  We found a great deal on a highly rated crib and I am going to pick it up today.  And of course I am thrilled that we are nearing the end of the first trimester.  I just can’t wait to meet this little person.

On a side note, I’m headed to my best friends house today for a party.  Should be interesting and fun.

What it’s Really Like

I want to be as honest as possible on this blog, so it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses on here.  I want to talk about the fear and what it is really like to be pregnant after a loss.  Its beyond scary, you guys.  It is difficult (sometimes even impossible) to be positive because the truth is, I know exactly how fragile this is.  Its fu**ing terrifying.  I spend almost every day worrying in some way about the baby.  My lack of control over the situation makes it worse at times, and better at other times.  I fear the unknown and I fear the possibility of another loss.  There is so little written word out there that directly speaks to the fear of being pregnant after a loss.  It is frustrating when you are in this position and you want reassurance but there just isn’t information available to help you.  For me, there is a lot of insecurity about the ability of my body to do what I need it to do.  The trust, or lack of trust, I have in my body is disheartening.  And it makes it even more difficult when you have strange symptoms or camps or twinges.  I’ve been anxious and nervous since the minute I found out I was pregnant again.  It took us so long to get pregnant again and the preciousness of the circumstance is evident to me constantly.  

Some people have an early loss and get pregnant again and it’s easy for them.  Others have an incredibly hard time, myself included, and can’t let go of the fear and the sadness of the loss.  I think at times, the variation of difficulty in being pregnant again after an early loss is overwhelming.  There is some jealousy in me of women who get pregnant easily and carry to term.  I am envious of women who have never experienced loss and I am envious of women who don’t know what it is like to worry about every little symptom as their pregnancy progresses.  Each new fear that pops up for me is hard to explain, hard to find others who feel/felt the same way and it creates a feeling of isolation and anxiety.  I’m terrified of this being taken away from me.  I want this baby so incredibly badly.  I want to meet him or her and I want to fulfil the dreams M and I have for our lives with this baby.

I made it past the point we got to last time, but it hasn’t helped with the fear.  After each of our two scans, I was hopeful and excited, but that feeling only lasted for a few days at most.  I know all too well what can happen at any minute in my body.  And I know that sometimes, something terrible happens and you don’t find out for weeks.  I’ve been there.  I know how suffocating the unknown can be.

I’m scared today.  I’m nervous that something might happen to the little life inside of me.  I’m terrified that something will happen.  It doesn’t seem fair to have something that should be so joyous turn into something that is so incredibly scary.  I don’t know how to go forward right now.  I want to change how I feel and look at this logically, but my emotion and my love for the being growing inside of me trumps logic any day.  So for now, I wait and I worry.  And I hope.