10 Weeks

I’ve made it to 10 weeks.  I’m not gonna lie, I’m still scared.  It is really hard to explain the tentative happiness I feel.  Having experienced a loss makes it very difficult to feel secure, even at 10 weeks.  I want to let go and be crazy excited but I’m not sure that I will be able to.  One of my loss friends said that she would feel better for a day or two after each appointment, but that would fade and it would be another few weeks of anxiously waiting for the next appointment.  I completely agree with that statement.  Even the reassurance from the doctor only goes so far because in my world, real life tells a different story than statistics do.  I crave the stories of other women who have lived this experience, but they just don’t seem to exist.  I would love to help other women going through this and hopefully with my honesty, someone else will be able to read this and get some solace from it.

On a happier note, we told our parents last week and they were all very excited.  My parents knew about the loss so they were very nice and excited  M’s parents were very excited.  This will be the first grandchild on his side and his parents were super excited that they are going to be grandparents.  So now our families know and most of our close friends.  I don’t really plan on telling more people until a while later.  I kind of just want to show up at a wedding at the end of August and it will be obvious to our friends at that point.  I will definitely NOT be doing the whole facebook announcement.  Just not my thing…

How far along? 10 weeks 2 days                                                                                  Total weight gain: I had only gained a pound last week and I haven’t weighed myself since then, so I’m not sure.
Maternity clothes? Nope.  I did buy some flowier tops this weekend, but pretty much all the rest of my clothes still fit.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Not great, but not too bad either.  I have to pee every hour so that puts a kink in the works.  And I’m still waking up about a half hour to an hour before my alarm.
Best moment this week: My lower stomach is slowly starting to bump out.  I can see the subtle change and its pretty exciting.
Miss Anything? Not really. 
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: Still cheese for sure.  And meat.  I also had to have milk this week.  I haven’t had milk in almost a year and I just can’t get enough of it.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Water.  And most sweets.  At least candy sweets.
Gender: I am 100% convinced it is a boy.  My mom said the same thing this morning, so we shall see.
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: I am still getting queasy on and off when I am hungry.  And tired but not as bad as in previous weeks.  I also get super bloated as the day goes on.
Belly Button in or out? IN
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy.  I do find myself getting pissed off at people around me.  This is not exclusive to pregnancy, but I think my tolerance is at an all time low and stupid people are exponentially more annoying right now.
Looking forward to: Getting to 12 weeks, and seeing the bubs again at 13 weeks.

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Nine Weeks

We had another doctor’s appointment yesterday and got to see the little bubs.  Measuring right on track and heart rate was normal.  It was such an incredible relief as I was beyond scared about the outcome of this appointment.  It was actually pretty cool to see how much the nugget had grown.  It was literally doubled in size and was moving all over the place.  We also got a swag bag from the hospital.  It has a bunch of products in it as well as a couple of magazines and a very well put together book that is for reference for me and M.  It is extremely detailed and has all the information on the pregnancy, the hospital, birthing classes, labor and delivery and post partum.  It made everything so much more real to me.  And I officially had to pee in a cup.  The best part about the OB group I am going with is that they only test your urine once at the in-take appointment and then only if you are having issues after that.  The midwife we met with yesterday told me I was low risk and very healthy, so that was definitely good news.  After the appointment I had to go get blood drawn, where the took five vials of blood.  I am extremely squeamish about blood, but the hospital I go to has the absolute best phlebotomists.  I have now had to have blood drawn 4 times for this pregnancy and each time has been a breeze. 

So now our next step is to wait another month for an appointment (which will be in our 2nd trimester!!).  And to tell all of our parents tonight.  This makes me kind of nervous because the last time, we told my parents and found out just a few days later that the baby had died.  But my overall feeling about this pregnancy is positive, so I think this should be pretty fun.  It will be the second grandchild on my side and the first on M’s side.

I’m still not ready to post bump pictures yet, but this will have to do for now…

How far along? 9 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain: less than 1 pound.  I’m pretty proud of myself.. 🙂
Maternity clothes? Not yet, although I am going shopping this weekend to get some looser fitting shirts.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Kind of crappy.  I just keep waking up so dang early.  I fall asleep pretty easily though.
Best moment this week: Seeing the little bubs again and seeing how much s/he had grown.
Miss Anything? Sour beer.  This is the only thing that I will probably miss.  It just means summer to me.
Movement: None yet.
Food cravings: I always want meat or cheese.  Specifically beef or lamb and any kind of cheddar cheese.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Water.  Yuck.  And pretty much all other liquids. 
Have you started to show yet? I can see a bump and so can M, but most of the time it is hidden from everyone else.  It pops out like crazy in the evening.
Gender: Don’t know yet, although based on the chinese gender prediction, it is a boy.  And I have a strong feeling it is a boy.  And the heart rate falls into the boy category too by the old wives tale…
Labor Signs: None
Symptoms: I am pretty tired and I am much more queasy this week.  I am also going up and down with the bloating.  And being weepy at the dumbest things.  I am not a crier and this week I cried watching an old episode of the West Wing and Parks and Rec.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty happy most of the time.  Yesterday was such a good day that the happiness is probably going to stick for awhile.
Looking forward to: The bump being real and visible for others.  And telling our parents.

See you next week!

Cautiously Expecting

Well, I’ve made it to 8 weeks.  We had an ultrasound last week and saw the little bubs.  It was measuring right on track and had a strong little heartbeat.  I cried (bawled actually) with relief and my husband joked that we had a new record because we made it past 6 weeks this time.  My relief was short lived because I know that anything can happen and I am just not secure enough with the pregnancy to really relax and be completely happy with the process.  My cautiousness may affect my overall experience of being pregnant, but with my last experience, I just don’t have the emotional capacity to be 100% carefree.

Despite all my reservations and my fear, I have decided to push through and make this into a pregnancy blog…  I want to document my progress, even though it scares me.  I want to have this reminder later in life of how I felt and the milestones I reach throughout this pregnancy.

So here we go I guess…  I probably won’t post any bump pictures until after next week after our next appointment but for now…..

How far along? 8 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain: No idea yet, but I can see a bit of a difference, but that may be due to bloating, rather than actual weight gain…
Maternity clothes? Not yet.  I don’t expect to have to go that route for at least a few weeks.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am exhausted pretty much all the time, but I have a hard time staying asleep at night.  Plus I wake up about an hour before my alarm every morning.
Best moment this week: I just really enjoy the idea that I am pregnant.  I like walking around and knowing but having a secret that most other people don’t know.  And a good friend found out this week and she was incredibly excited.  That made me feel really good.
Miss Anything? Salami or any other delicious meat products like that.
Movement: None.  Waaay too early.
Food cravings: I want cheese all the time and I also am really liking mashed potatoes.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken.  And a lot of sweets that I used to love.
Have you started to show yet? Maybe a little, but I think it is because of the bloat…
Gender: Don’t know yet
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Queasy if I don’t eat often enough, exhausted, HUGE boobs!
Belly Button in or out? Definitely still in.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Mostly happy, with fear mixed in…
Looking forward to: The appointment next week and seeing if everything is ok.  I think I will breathe a sigh of relief if everything looks ok.

That’s it for now.  Just going to spend the next week hoping that everything is ok and that baby is doing well.  The waiting is definitely the hardest part.