Well, I guess all it takes me sometimes is a little bit (or a lot) of absolute despair and a “I don’t give a crap anymore” attitude and boom! I’m pregnant again. It finally happened and I am terrified and scared and happy. Its a cluster of emotions and I don’t ever know which one is going to come out at any given time.
So far, this has been a little different than the last time. For a start, I feel better. Physically, I mean. My body has adjusted well to being off of my meds and I think that has helped. My OB mentioned last time that perhaps some of the reason I felt so sick last time was that my body knew something wasn’t right and was trying to rid itself of the baby before it got worse. This thought filters into my mind quite often. Another thing is that I am actually experiencing morning sickness, which I did not have at all the last time. And the crazy thing is that I love it. I know I should be upset about feeling sick, but for me, feeling sick is like the baby reminding me that he/she is there and growing. I am also exhausted and hungry and bloated. And one amazing perk is that my boobs are HUGE now, which I vaguely remember from the last time.
I’m only 6 weeks. And the last pregnancy ended during my sixth week, although I didn’t find out until more than a week later. I feel more hopeful this time. I definitely have the feeling that I am safer because how could this possibly happen again. I know that is completely irrational and downright stupid, but it helps me. When I start to get worried, I tell myself that according to statistics, the chances of it happening again is somewhere around 5%, which means I have a 95% chance of it going ok. I’m going to stick with that and hold onto it. I have an early scan next week at 7 weeks 3 days. I am terrified of it and I am even more terrified of not making it to that date. I find myself making small goals to reach. This seems to be helping a bit because I hate the looming forever in front of me. The time seems to be moving so slowly so I can’t really just look forward to 12 weeks. I just have to take it a day or even a minute at a time.