The Game Starts Over

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here.  The sad a very real truth is that in late October, I lost the baby.  It has been almost 6 months now and I don’t really feel all that much better.  I feel lost a lot of days and I am now even more worried about getting pregnant again than I was the first time around.  The miscarriage was, and still is, devastating.  I am just so sad and I don’t really feel like I have the ability to change how I am feeling.  I think about the pregnancy and the loss every single day and there are days when I feel completely ruined.  We have been trying again since about two weeks after the miscarriage and now we are rolling along in our 6th cycle of trying since the miscarriage.  I don’t know what to do any more.  I am trying to be calm and I am doing all kinds of crazy things to get my body into the right state, but it all seems in vain when month after month passes and I’m still not pregnant. 

I loved, and still love, that baby.  The incredible amount of pain that came with the loss was something I never could have expected.  Medically, they tell me nothing is wrong.  But now that it has been so long, I am ready to go back to the doctor to get additional tests done.  Beyond the medical end, my emotional state is not great.  I feel isolated and I hate that I am still not pregnant.  M doesn’t really understand.  No matter how much he thinks he understands, he just doesn’t really.  Especially the additional pain of not being pregnant again.  I feel like something has been ripped away from me and I have NO control over the situation.  I am doing everything right and I am not getting anywhere.  The worst part is that my innocence of pregnancy is gone.  I will never experience the worry free joy of being pregnant because I know what can happen.  I know that a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I know how completely unfair life is and I know how little I can do about it.

I’ve been going to a support group.  I like the ladies and it is the one place on earth that I feel completely comfortable any more.  I can walk into that room and know that no one is judging me and every person there knows exactly how I feel.  I’m trying to move on.  I’m trying to move forward.  I’m trying to cling to hope and I’m trying to convince myself that it will happen again.  My greatest fear now is that the first pregnancy is also the last.  Maybe that was my one and only chance and it didn’t work?  I just don’t think that I will ever be ok with that outcome.  I honestly don’t know how I will survive if I never get pregnant again.  I know I can adopt and I know there are other avenues to go down, but I will never be able to reconcile not carrying a pregnancy to term.

I need reassurance and I need something somewhere to tell me it will be ok and I will get the ending I have so hoped for.  The absolute worst thing I am dealing with now is the complete lack of certainty  My life is not my own any more.  The decisions I am making are not my own.  My body has betrayed me yet again and I don’t know how to trust anything ever again.