A Few Days In

I spent the last two days wavering between petrifying fear and unexplainable joy.  My body is already adjusting and it has been a little weird.  Yesterday my entire morning and early afternoon was spent with my stomach in one huge knot because I am so scared of something happening.  By the afternoon, I had confided in one of my bosses and called and made an emergency appointment with my counselor and I was starting to relax a little.  I waited patiently for M to get home from work and finally ate something, which immediately made me sick. 

The worst part right now, besides the crazy fears, is that I can’t really tell if I am feeling sick because of the pregnancy or because of my ulcerative colitis.  It is like my stomach is very full and when I eat it is almost like I have stuffed myself, even though I am barely eating.  I’m trying to get a little bit of food down at a time, but every time I think about eating, nothing sounds good.  Again, I am not sure if this is because of pregnancy or because of my stomach in general.

I am trying to refrain from looking at too many websites regarding baby things right now, which I am failing at.  I felt an overwhelming urge to announce my news somewhere and the easiest place for me was on some of the baby boards I occasionally follow.  You see, we don’t plan on telling anyone until at least 12 weeks, but more likely we won’t tell anyone until Thanksgiving.  I did tell my friend that just found out she is pregnant (she was my very first person other than M that I told) and I told one of my sisters.  I needed to release the information to someone so I could continue to hold it in.  I am honestly having a bit of trouble because I am so excited, but I also love the idea of keeping it between just me and M for now.  It makes it way more special for me and I like that I am walking around everyday with a seriously spectacular secret.  I also am incredibly conscious of the possibility that something could go wrong and I would rather not have to inform a bunch of people if something does go wrong.  As far as our parents, we are hesitant to tell them because they are all quite selfish and I don’t want to risk having a negative reaction from them affect my overall feeling.

The fear is overwhelming at times.  I have wanted this so badly and for so long and it is finally happening.  I don’t want it to go away and I am scared that something will happen.  I think the worst fear is that I won’t even know if something does go wrong.  I have said before how much I hate not having control over a situation and this situation is the epitome of no control. 

For now, I am settling into this stage of my life and I am doing my best to enjoy rather than worry

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Finally

Well,  I’ve been absent for awhile from the blogging world.  I decided to take a break from baby related things because all it was doing was stressing me out and making me feel worse about life.  And, the results are that it WORKED!  I tested this morning and I am PREGNANT!  I am so freaking excited and scared and crazy with the emotions of finally getting what I wanted so badly.  I relaxed this last month and a half.  I left life happen and I stopped worrying every single second about getting pregnant.  I guess it worked.  I felt more at ease and instead of forcing our lives to adapt to trying to get pregnant, I let trying to get pregnant adapt to our lives.  And now, here I am, pregnant and looking forward in life to whatever comes next.  Now it goes from wishing for it to happen to letting it actually happen.  I can’t wait..