I spent the last two days wavering between petrifying fear and unexplainable joy. My body is already adjusting and it has been a little weird. Yesterday my entire morning and early afternoon was spent with my stomach in one huge knot because I am so scared of something happening. By the afternoon, I had confided in one of my bosses and called and made an emergency appointment with my counselor and I was starting to relax a little. I waited patiently for M to get home from work and finally ate something, which immediately made me sick.
The worst part right now, besides the crazy fears, is that I can’t really tell if I am feeling sick because of the pregnancy or because of my ulcerative colitis. It is like my stomach is very full and when I eat it is almost like I have stuffed myself, even though I am barely eating. I’m trying to get a little bit of food down at a time, but every time I think about eating, nothing sounds good. Again, I am not sure if this is because of pregnancy or because of my stomach in general.
I am trying to refrain from looking at too many websites regarding baby things right now, which I am failing at. I felt an overwhelming urge to announce my news somewhere and the easiest place for me was on some of the baby boards I occasionally follow. You see, we don’t plan on telling anyone until at least 12 weeks, but more likely we won’t tell anyone until Thanksgiving. I did tell my friend that just found out she is pregnant (she was my very first person other than M that I told) and I told one of my sisters. I needed to release the information to someone so I could continue to hold it in. I am honestly having a bit of trouble because I am so excited, but I also love the idea of keeping it between just me and M for now. It makes it way more special for me and I like that I am walking around everyday with a seriously spectacular secret. I also am incredibly conscious of the possibility that something could go wrong and I would rather not have to inform a bunch of people if something does go wrong. As far as our parents, we are hesitant to tell them because they are all quite selfish and I don’t want to risk having a negative reaction from them affect my overall feeling.
The fear is overwhelming at times. I have wanted this so badly and for so long and it is finally happening. I don’t want it to go away and I am scared that something will happen. I think the worst fear is that I won’t even know if something does go wrong. I have said before how much I hate not having control over a situation and this situation is the epitome of no control.
For now, I am settling into this stage of my life and I am doing my best to enjoy rather than worry