Oh man, it has been a hard few weeks. Sometimes I feel like my entire world is teetering on the edge of a major upset and all of a sudden I loose my grip and everything that could go wrong, does. Its like I can only hold in so much emotion at a time and then it EXPLODES from me. It even scares me at times so I can only imagine how hard it is for M to deal with me at times.
The reality for me right now is that getting pregnant is HARD. It is emotional and upsetting and it makes me so dang tired all the time. I am also working an extra job during the summer so my overall feeling about life is not great. I am happy, but the overall exhaustion paired with the frustration and sadness of trying to conceive is almost too much for me at times. I find myself wishing so badly to get pregnant and feeling heartbroken when my period decides to show up. The ultimate high of hoping that this month it will happen and having it not happen is not something I prepared myself for at all. There was no one telling me before hand to prepare for the sadness or to prepare for the disappointment. Especially because I went into this thinking that we would try maybe once or twice and we would get pregnant. The longer it takes, the more I worry that something is wrong with me. I spent so many years trying NOT to get pregnant that I almost feel like I jinxed myself.
I have literally never wanted anything this bad in my entire life. I honestly never thought I would have kids when I was younger. I just didn’t think I would ever get to the point where I really wanted kids. It blindsided me and when the feeling came over me and I have the overwhelming need to have a child. My life since that point has been a lot about babies and a lot about making sure that my life is in a place where a baby belongs. I realize that we have not been trying that long and that there are plenty of other families that try for much much longer, but I can’t shake the desperation I feel each month and every time I see a baby. I just want it SO SO bad. My life will continue regardless of whether I get pregnant, but the thought of it taking much longer, or worse even that that of never at all, almost kills me.