7 days of fun

I am about to enter my “fertile phase” of my cycle.  I use this very detailed and sort of hilarious chart online that helps me keep track of my cycle.  The detailed part is nice because I was following a different chart before and I don’t think it was really helping me.  The hilarious part is that it informed me this morning that today is my first “little fertile day.”  I find that term quite funny for some reason.  I’ve been charting my temps as much as possible but I am not sure if it is really helping me.  Especially because you are supposed to take your temp every day at the same time after sleeping for at least 4 hours.  For me, the getting up at the same time thing is fine but I never get 4 hours of sleep at a time.  I pee every 2 hours or so, so this definitely puts a damper on the temping.  Plus, I have a precious little basset hound that is pretty sure that when my alarm goes off that that means it is time for she and I to have our bonding time (which generally consists of her body slamming me and furiously licking my face).

I read a lot in the last few days about little things that can help a couple get pregnant.  One is acupuncture.  I’ve been doing acupuncture now for about 4 months.  I originally started it for stress and to help my overall well-being, but in speaking with my acupuncturist, she told me that acupuncture is really helpful for couples trying to conceive.  It helps for relaxing the cervix and it can help regulate the cycle a little better.  I feel better after each session and hopefully it will help us get pregnant faster.  The other thing I’ve been hearing a lot about is cough syrup.  Specifically mucinex or robitussin.  Apparently there is an active ingredient in these products that helps thin the various mucus’s in the body, including the cervical mucus.  I guess at this point I am willing to try just about anything to help getting pregnant, so I am going to be taking mucinex for the next 7 days.

Who knew that there are so many strange things that you can do to help pregnancy?  I mean, I knew the basics of getting pregnant, but really only from the opposite end of NOT trying to get pregnant.  The shift in my thinking is so weird to deal with.  Going from actively trying to prevent something straight into trying to achieve the very thing I had been avoiding before it very strange.  And kind of awesome too.

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Up and Down Emotions

Oh man, this has been a rough week.  I’m not even particularly unhappy, I would probably even classify myself as happy, but I had a full on breakdown yesterday.  I think I tend to hold in all my emotions and then they literally explode out of me in crazy town form.  I go to a therapist (which I can’t really afford, but seriously, it’s either this or total loss of emotional control.  I’m not sure M can handle that, bless him) and yesterday I pretty much started crying the minute I started talking.  Which is weird, because I walked in there feeling pretty OK.  Not on the verge of tears, that’s for sure.  But the minute I actually opened my mouth all this stuff that I didn’t even realize I was holding in came crashing out in epic form.  I actually think that my therapist was caught off guard because I don’t normally cry at all.  Basically what happened to cause my craziness was that two weeks ago, I found out my sister is pregnant.  And I found out because she goaded me into telling her that we were trying and then snottily replied “well we ARE pregnant.”  I kid you not, that was exactly how it went down.  It turns out that my mother knew that my sister and her husband were pregnant, so that prompted her to tell my sister that M and I were trying, which then in turn set off the awesomeness of my sister informing me that she and her husband are pregnant.  I literally burst out crying and tried to pull it off like I was happy for her, but I wasn’t really.  And that made me feel even worse, because what kind of a sister am I if I am not happy when a family member gets pregnant?  I didn’t really even feel comfortable talking to M about this because I didn’t want him to think I was crazy for being upset.  It was really a two-fold hurt in the end though.  The first was that my sister didn’t even tell me they were trying, which would have been nice for me to know to help ease some of my own worries about trying, and the second is that my mother broke my confidence to my sister, even though I specifically asked her not to.  And on top of those two things, when I did text my mother to tell her that my sister told me, my mom reacted by saying to me “I’m finally going to be a grandma.”  Which was the equivalent of stabbing me directly in my already aching heart.  Thanks mom.

I’m not sure how to even deal with my family anymore.  I know part of my reaction may have been exaggerated because I am emotional about getting pregnant, but this is not far from the norm of how my family operates.  In fact, the same sister didn’t tell me when she got married or bought her first house.  Honestly, if my mother hadn’t told her that I was trying to get pregnant and created the domino effect of everything, there is a distinct possibility that my sister would have given birth to the baby before I found out she was even pregnant.  One might ask why I even care at this point, and believe me I am right there with you.  I am slowly coming to the realization that I need to live my life without influence from my family members or else I am never going to be able to be happy.  The really sucky part is that I would really like to be close with my family, but the way we were raised and the influences of my parents were just too great to make the dynamic I want possible.  Growing up sucks and realizing that you can’t control ANYTHING also sucks.  Argh!