Constant Wonder

The back and forth of trying to get pregnant is making me tired.  Exhausted really.  My body is literally doing whatever it wants and it’s making my mental state a little iffy.  There is the crazy high that comes along with the hope of the two week wait, and there is the incredible low of when the dreaded period comes (or teases and comes a day late).  I am not necessarily enjoying the process but I am to the point right now where I understand that the process is bigger than me.  I can’t control this, I can’t decide when it is going to happen and I can do everything in my power to make it happen and it can still not happen.  The unknown and crazy amount of variables that come along with the process is overwhelming at times.

My mind is what really kills me.  It messes with me and it convinces me that I am feeling symptoms.  I can feel my brain fighting with my body, telling me it’s not my month, but I still hope.  Hope is such a funny thing, especially in this situation.  Even when I know I am out, I still hold onto the hope that maybe its not my period, maybe its just light spotting.  And maybe the cramping I feel is only from my little zygote making itself comfortable in my womb.  Logic, on the other hand, is less funny.  It comes in strong and pushes hope into the very depths of my mind where it can’t tease me anymore.

How long will it take?  How many months will I worry and wonder and ultimately feel the disappointment of not being pregnant?  And how naive was I to think that we would start trying and immediately get pregnant?  I think the worst feeling I have now is the intense jealousy I feel of other women who are pregnant right now.  I know it is irrational, but I cannot stop the pangs of jealousy rearing up when I see a pregnant woman.  The very strange thing about the jealousy is not that I don’t want the other people to be pregnant, but I would prefer that I were pregnant too.  I think ahead to the fall (my favorite time of year) and wonder if I will be pregnant then.  Will I look at the kids running around on Halloween and feel the pain of knowing that I’m not pregnant?  And will Christmas come this year with no baby clothes to unwrap?  There are so many unanswered questions and so many wishes and hopes that I spend so much time thinking about that I am losing sight of how exciting it can be if I just let it.  I have to learn how to relax and let go a little or I am going to drive myself mad.  My truth is that I want children more than anything and I will keep trying until trying proves too much.  In the meantime, I will try to focus on the positives of my situation and look forward to the successes.

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Oh the Wait

Whew.  It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.  I’ve literally been busier than ever the last two weeks and now I am finally ready for a break.  My work has been crazy.  As in 65 hours in 4 days crazy.  But on the other hand, this was the happiest I have ever felt at work before, so that is a definite plus.  I love the challenge and I am looking forward to more events that will challenge me in this way.

On a personal note, I am currently in another two week wait (TWW).  I’m slowly picking up all the lingo on the trying to conceive (TTC) websites.  This one has been different from the previous ones because I am actually feeling some “symptoms”.  They are different and I may be imagining them, but they are there nonetheless.  It’s funny how your body responds to what your mind wants, especially when every little twinge and cramp is now something to hold onto and embrace rather than detest.  This month I think we timed everything right, but you just never know.  And now in my baby craze, I’ve been sucked into these on-line forums for women trying to get pregnant.  And we are all a bunch of nutters (I mean this in the nicest way possible).  Everyone is posting similar things and when you read a post that is similar to what you are feeling, the validation is overwhelming.  Especially when you post something yourself and you get positive encouragement.  The craziest part is that I feel a real connection with some of the ladies on these boards and all the things that I feel that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable talking with M about are fair game on-line.  A lot of my general anxiety comes from the fact that I don’t really know what is happening in my body.  I have realized in the last few weeks how little I actually knew about my body and with my research and these forums, I am learning more and more about myself.  Granted, these ladies are not necessarily medical doctors, but a lot of them have first hand experience with getting pregnant or trying to conceive.  And that is the kind of advice I need right now.  The most comforting feeling I have right now is knowing that there is always someone on these forums who understands EXACTLY how I am feeling at any given time.  And if this month isn’t “my month” then I know I can always turn to someone on-line and they will be able to comfort me in a way that others can’t.

It is very interesting to me that I can relate to so many women that I have never and will never meet.  But the kinship we have linked only to the desire to have a baby is so powerful.  In my short time blogging, I have linked to a few other women who have really inspired me.  This whole world on-line has changed my perspective in so many ways and I am loving every minute of it.