Sick Sick Sick

So, I revealed in an earlier post that I have ulcerative colitis and IBS.  For the most part, I have them under control.  Really, this just means that I am not getting sick every single day from them.  However, going off birth control has had an effect on my overall health.  I have had at least 6 “episodes” since April and that is a lot considering I have been without a real “episode” since July of last year.  Occasionally I will have a small reaction to something I’ve eaten or my stomach will be a little upset, but these episodes are far different.  The pain is debilitating.  I can’t move or speak without it hurting and the worst part is that there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I literally have to ride out the pain and hope that I don’t pass out.  (This has happened MANY times over the years.  I’ve been really careful about having my phone near me and removing things in the bathroom and bedroom that I could knock my head on and cause an injury.)

Last night I had an especially long and uncomfortable episode and it lasted from about 10:00 in the evening until 2:00 in the afternoon today.  This is unusual for these bouts; they usually last about an hour or two and then dissipate  enough for me to at least get to sleep.  But last night was different.  It was incredibly painful and it exhausted me.  Enough to where I had to miss work today.  I hate having my illnesses affect my life, especially my work.  These little bouts lately have me thinking very seriously about what it is going to be like when I am pregnant.  And the actual continuous pain has me making comparisons to natural child-birth.  I have every intention of having a natural birth, but there are times during these episodes that I question my physical ability to survive it.  About two years ago, I had to have surgery as a result of my illness.  On the day of the surgery a nurse came into my prep room and asked me to note my pain level on a 1-10 scale.  I told her I was at about a 2 or 3.  She asked me if that was standard for everyday, and I responded with a yes.  She proceeded to tell me that people with chronic pain tend to note their pain level much lower than what a “normal healthy” person would do.  I’ve held onto her words since then and it motivates me to believe in myself and my ability to survive child-birth.  My worry is that pregnancy itself will exacerbate my condition and I will be too exhausted physically after 9 months to be able to withstand a natural birth.

These random worries that I’m sure other people have are so hard for me to deal with sometimes.  I hate feeling sick.  And I hate planning my life around something so frustrating.  But mostly, I hate the fact that it could affect my ability to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, and to withstand pregnancy in general.  I feel so strongly about looking at pregnancy as a wondrous and normal process of life and the last thing I want to do is look at birth and pregnancy as a medical condition.  I fear that because of my illnesses, my pregnancy experience will not be what I would like it to be.  And on the other hand, I have to recognize that I am not going to get the exact experience I want, because it isn’t something I can control.

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My First Blogger Upset

I’m pretty new to blogging (actually really new, but who’s counting?).  I’ve been slowly getting into it by reading a bunch of other blogs and trying to decide what I really want my style to be.  Last year, I started reading posts from one blogger in particular.  She is, for lack of a better word, awesome.  Her posts are so different and they span so many topics that I never feel bored while reading them.  She also has the most adorable family I have ever seen.  I learned today that she will no longer be posting to a certain website that I frequent and it kind if breaks my heart a little.  I know I can still go directly to her personal blog, and I will but it still stings a little to know when I am browsing this other site, her posts won’t be there.  And so it goes….  Have any of you ever fallen in blogging love, only to suffer a broken heart?

I’d Rather Not

I’ve realized this for a long time, but I’ve never really admitted it.  I hate social situations.  I’m just not good at being surrounded by people.  Or talking.  I get very uncomfortable and I find myself stressing out about the possibility of someone expecting me to be able to carry on a conversation with them.  We went to a work function/ BBQ tonight for M’s work.  It was a combined send off party for two employees that are quitting in June and an engagement party for two employees that recently got engaged.  M is not super keen on his work situation and is in fact in the process of finding a new job, but he recently had to take an afternoon off to interview and he told them that he was going to a doctor’s appointment with me (regarding us getting pregnant).  I was fine with this, but it meant that today at the party, they wanted to talk to me about us our baby making and what it would be like to have children.  This literally made me so uncomfortable, combined with the fact that I was already uncomfortable, that we had to leave early so I could go home and get sick.  I could feel the tension leave my body as soon as we got home, but I felt bad because I don’t want M to be looked at poorly because I get sick and can’t handle a social situation.

I wish I could handle being social a bit better, but the truth is, I am just more comfortable with my few friends, or just staying home.  I prefer a night in much more than one out.  I like sitting in my living room with my husband watching television or cooking.  It’s my thing.  Quite frankly, the thought of leaving my house and having to get dressed up in something other than sweats is repugnant.  Just gross.  I do enjoy occasionally going out with M to a movie or to dinner, but I think we are both the stereotypical homebodies.  Home is literally where our hearts are and we’re lucky that we found each other.

Another Wait

I am an impatient person. I recognize this about myself and in theory I would like to change that, but I also know that the liklihood of me making any real effort is slim. Or none. So I’ve decided that in this two week wait, I would prefer to do something semi productve rather than just plain wait. So I hit up my babble blogs and proceeded to tab back and forth been babble and amazon, putting baby related things onto a wishlist. One can never be too prepared, you know. In this case, I am obviously jumping the gun, but I literally can’t help myself. I’m so worried that I am going to forget the items that I really like, that I would rather add them to the list now and be prepared for when I actually need purchase them. More than anything its soothing to me. At least there’s something baby related that I can do in this time.
Even during my searching, I am worried that by doing this simple task of adding items to a wishlist, that I am in some way tempting fate. Almost as if I am putting the chickens before the eggs. Again, this is one of more irrational thoughts, but it flits in and out of my mind. I find myself thinking a negative thought about something and I immediately worry about karma. I’m a big believer in doing nice things for other and building your karma, and when the negative thoughts occur, I’m worried that I will in turn be punished by the karma gods and the direct result will be a lack of success in the pregnancy department. Honestly its a wonder I ever get any sleep with how much my brain over thinks things.
I think I’m a pretty good person and I try hard to follow the rules and do the right thingand I can only hope that it pays off. In the form of a tiny little baby. 🙂

Oh The Anticipation

Yet again, in a wait.  I’m technically supposed to be ovulating on Wednesday, but I think I may be doing so today or tomorrow based on other indicators.  I know I spoke about the excitement and the anticipation in my last post, and it still very much evident now.  Hopefully in two weeks or so I can declare success! 

In the last few weeks my life has gone through a lot of changes, namely with the new job.  But I also started talking with people that I otherwise wouldn’t have.  Recently, I met a pretty awesome girl, K, who is also in the process of trying to get pregnant.  She and I have been meeting on and off to talk about how we are feeling and whats happening to each of us.  It has been amazing having a person around who I can talk to that doesn’t think I am crazy when I tell her what I am feeling.  Every time I mention to her about some strange feeling or thought I have had, she is quick to reassure me that she has also felt or thought a similar thing.  I just feel so much better after talking to her.  And for the strangest reason, we give each other hope.  There’s something to be said about solidarity when you are dealing with a new and challenging situation in your life.  Plus, I like that she is a similar age to me.  I have much younger friends who are trying or have recently had a child, but I don’t really feel like I can relate to them as much.  I also don’t feel as much of a connection with my friends that are older than me with kids.  The most interesting part about K and my relationship is that we are literally strangers except for this ONE  thing we have in common.  It blows my mind that I could find someone like her at a time when I really needed the support.

I think one of the additional bonuses is that I can ficus on her successes as well as my own.  I will be so happy for her if and when she gets pregnant.  It takes a little pressure off me to be able to follow someone else’s journey too.  Especially because I don’t have a close relationship with my sisters and I am not super comfortable talking to my mom about this stuff.  K is the perfect balance of friend and confidant.  And no one I know knows her.  Its like we are existing in a secret world just for the two of us.  Obviously we are both wanting to get pregnant together to have this experience last even longer.

So cross your fingers for me that this is my month and it’s K’s month too.  Oh goodness, I can barely focus on anything else these days. 🙂

Maybe Next Time

I know I just stopped my pill around a month ago, but I definitely thought I would be an exception, and I would get pregnant on our first try. That didn’t happen. Unfortunately, my monthly friend showed up on Friday and in a second, my hope was dashed. I realize that there are thousands (if not millions) of women out there that have been trying for months, but in my own perspective, this was a bit of a blow for me. I’ve mentioned before that I am pretty terrified of not being able to get pregnant, and this has added to the fear. I know it is irrational to be nervous after one tiny set back but I can’t help it. However, on the other hand, I am excited to try again. The flux of emotion, from sadness (mild at the most) to excitement is a bit of a mind fuck.
On top of everything else, it confused me even more because I honestly have no idea what the hell the length of my cycle is. I have been on the pill for 13 years, so now that I am off the pill, my natural cycle could literally be any length. Before I went on the pill (at 16 years old) my periods were VERY regular and pretty uncomfortable. But because they have been regulated by the pill since then, I don’t really know what is going on. Especially because before the pill, I was on a pretty definite 28 day cycle. Now, I think I may be on a 21 day cycle. This basically means that I could be ovulating at any time. I’m not sure what to do, other than keep trying and track my cycle from here on out.
I hope that the next month is a different story. I feel very strange admitting that I really like the waiting in between right now. It’s such a hopeful feeling. This last time, I was happy for 3 or 4 days because the hope was so high and I was just so excited that the time was here and we were finally trying. This whole trip is going to be crazy with its ups and downs, but I’m hoping for more ups and less downs. 🙂

The First Two Week Wait

Well, here I am, in my very first two week wait.  Its such a crazy feeling knowing that there is a possibility that something amazing could be happening right now inside of me.  I’ve been having moments of fear that are quickly replaced with thoughts of tiny hands and feet, or a tiny smile.  I just want so badly to be pregnant, to know that I will soon have a child.  When I married M, I knew that I wanted to have kids with him.  I am so madly on love with him, even more than I ever thought I would be and I can’t wait to see what we create together. 

When we first started talking about having a baby, it was mostly me doing the talking and research.  I would occasionally tell him something I read that I found interesting, and he would usually nod and maybe have a small response.  But now that we are finally here and actually trying, M is so funny with the information I give him.  He is so interested in the facts I learn, and he is so supportive of the decisions I am making.  I was kind of scared before that he wouldn’t be as involved as I wanted him to be, but I was wrong because he is very involved.  He likes talking about names and birth plans and he indulges my ooohs and awwwws at cute baby clothes.  I think he may be less excited than me, but he is still really excited, which is so cute and so reassuring.  I just want to have our family be one that is filled with love and support. 

Nobody tells you when you are younger that getting pregnant isn’t just a quick decision.  And it doesn’t just happen whenever you want it to.  Its scary because I want it to happen so badly, but I’m scared that the more I think about it, the more I will affect my chances of getting pregnant.  And I worry about every little thing I eat or drink, or smell, or whatever.  I’m paranoid that a decision I make will make it harder for me to get pregnant.  I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do, and that is comforting, but its is such a helpless feeling.  It should be easier to get pregnant, dang it!

Things I’m afraid to Tell You

I got this idea from here. I’m stealing it and doing it for myself.

I’m terrified of being a failure.  This pertains to my personal life, my professional life, my potential to get pregnant, my ability as a future parent, my marriage.  All in all, I want to be good at almost everything I do and it causes me to have above average amounts of stress in my life.  I do it to myself.

I have irritable bowel syndrome and ulcerative colitis.  It sucks, big time.  I’m always scared of getting sick and not being able to excuse myself fast enough to not embarrass myself.  These illnesses are particularly embarrassing because I have so little control of them and they are, quite frankly, disgusting.

I want a baby more than just about anything.  I am actively trying to get pregnant and it is scary and awesome at the same time.  I read a ton of baby blogs everyday and I have done so much research that I feel like an expert.  But I also feel like a fraud because I am not actually pregnant yet.  And I’m terrified of not being able to get pregnant, or having it take a really long time.

Sometimes I’m scared that my husband will stop loving me.  I love him so much and I am so happy with him and that makes me worry that it will go away at some point.  Its completely irrational and I think he is very offended by this, but its how I feel.

I used to be really skinny.  It was mostly because I was sick, but now that I have the illnesses kind of under control, my body is the size it was probably meant to be and it isn’t exactly what I want.  However, I am also way too lazy to actually exercise other than walking, so I don’t feel like I can complain.

I kind of hate my dad.  He is someone that I always looked up to and he played a sick game with all his kids making us all compete with each other for his attention.  To be perfectly honest, he is an alcoholic and I don’t think he really even likes me that much.

Partially because of the above statement and partially because alcohol makes me kind of sick, but I rarely drink.  And when I do drink, I usually only drink one drink.  And I usually can’t even finish that.

I really don’t see the point in vacationing anywhere other than Disneyland.  I know this makes me a child and I am probably going to miss out on a lot of really cool places, but I love Disneyland.  Like, I LOVE it.  A lot.  Seriously.

The Hubby

Last night, pretty much out of nowhere, M said that he is worried he won’t be a good dad.  This completely threw me off guard and I had to ask if I could have a minute to think before I responded.  It never occurred to me that he was having any worry at all about becoming parents because he so rarely talks about it without me bringing it up.  I know he is ready to have kids, and I am too, but we are both scared in making such a huge decision.  In thinking about what he said I realized that as much as I need reassurance that we are doing the right thing, he does too.  And so I reminded him how great he is with our dogs now, and how much fun he is and how calm he is.  And how he is so levelheaded all the time, while I am kind of crazy.  We are a great match for each other because we compliment each other so well.  In all the times that I am worried, he is quick to help calm my fears and vice versa.  Its almost as though we are hard wired to know when the other is having a hard time.  I know M will be the best dad.  I’ve never had a single doubt about that.  I get all emotional when I think about him being the father of my children.  I just wouldn’t want it any other way.

Responsibility

I started a new job last week.  It’s amazing and pretty much everything I was looking for in a job.  I love the actual work and I love my bosses.  So I feel a little guilty that M and I are trying to get pregnant now.  I just don’t feel like I can wait any longer.  And I know my new bosses will be supportive and happy for me, but I am still a little worried that I’ll look bad if I announce my pregnancy within a few months of working there.  However, I am realistic enough to see that the chances of being able to conceive immediately are not that great, especially because I have been on the pill for almost 15 years.  I am obviously concerned that if I get pregnant right away, it may seem like my priorities aren’t right (which, lets be honest, is totally ridiculous, because becoming a mother is my number one priority right now, so getting pregnant means I do have my priorities straight).  If I didn’t enjoy the job, or my bosses, I might not feel as guilty.  The reality is, I will be just as good at my job pregnant or not, and I have every intention of going back to work after the baby is born.  I guess where I am at now is questioning whether or not I want to have a conversation with them to let them know that we are trying to get pregnant, or if I just spring the news if and when it happens.  I just care too much about what other people think about me.  And I don’t want to let anyone down.  I can honestly say though, at this point, I want a baby so bad that I’m not going to let anything stand in my way.